Kathryn's Turn
by TheJesser
Summary: Kathryn has finally had it with putting others first. Now she needs to learn to take her turn.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or its characters; I'm just taking them on an adventure. We are explorers, after all. I do not own Bernadette Peters or her performance of _Rose's Turn_. Though I do wish I could sing half as well as she does. **

**AN: My very first attempt at fanfiction, so bear with me. =) Inspired by _Rose's Turn _from _Gypsy _as performed by Bernadette Peters. Many, many thanks to Singing Violin for the beta.  
**

* * *

**Kathryn's Turn  
**

"Hello, everybody! This is Marianne Mayberry from the _Federation Chronicles_, here to get all of the juicy details on anything happening in in the Federation! Here we are, live at the parade landing grounds in San Francisco!" She ducked her head, her dyed blonde hair bouncing.

"Hold your hats and hallelujah, my viewers, the wayward crew of the starship _Voyager _have finally landed! I just can't believe it! How do you like them eggrolls, Admiral?" Her smile flashed as she said the words, revealing much-too-white teeth. "No one thought they would actually make it, but here they are!" As the crew began to disembark, she conntinued to ramble, throwing in a little gossip about the lost ship and her crew.

The lower ranks exited first, followed by the senior staff. Harry, as anxious as ever to get off the ship, stepped onto the ramp before the others.

"Looky here, we've got Ensign Harry Kim, who started the seven-year mission an ensign and ended the seven-year mission as an ensign. The infinite ensign, yes that's Harry Kim for you! Rumor has it that he had a fiancée when he left, but that was seven years ago. Girls, there might be hope for you yet!

"Next off, are Lieutenants B'Elanna Torres and Tom Paris with their little bundle of joy. Aw, how cute, look at her forehead ridges; she's going to look just like her mother. Hopefully she doesn't have the same kind of temper. I heard that B'Elanna broke someone's nose early on in the journey. I wonder how Tom keeps up with such a feisty woman!" Her eyes gleamed as she said the words.

Tuvok was halfway down the ramp before Mayberry acknowledged his presence. "Here's Lieutenant Tuvok, as calm and stoic as ever, but what else do you expect from a Vulcan?" she continued, stifling a small chuckle. She pushed the hair that had fallen in front of her eyes out of the way, then looked expectantly at the ramp.

There was a long pause as the crowd waited for the final two passengers to appear.

Finally, after a substantial amount of time had passed, the command team stepped off the ship.

Marianne quickly launched into another fast-paced speech. "Kathryn, here she is, boys! Here she is, world! Here's Kathryn Janeway!" The applause that followed would have made it impossible for any other reporter to continue, but Mayberry continued undeterred, completely confident of her ability to quiet a crowd.

"Do you see that new hairdo? Mm, yes, much better then the last time we saw her! That's for sure! I have it on good authority that Janeway, like Ensign Kim, had a fiancé before getting stranded in the Delta Quadrant, Mark something-or-other. But he dear Johned-no he dear Janed her! What a pity-or maybe not-seven years is a long time to be alone. Without a fiancé, our darling captain could enjoy all the comforts of a companion without feeling guilty." She snickered, winking at the camera.

"And right by her side, Commander Chakotay. Well, hello tall dark and handsome! I wouldn't mind being stuck on a ship with him for seven years! Do you see the way he has his hand on the small of her back? My, my, that seems a little possessive." She clicked her tongue. "If you ask me, there's more there than just friendship. After all, seven years is a _very _long time." She winked again, hungrily taking in the scene before her.

Mayberry then turned to face the camera, flashing a very eccentric smile. "Well, folks. I do believe that is all for this evening. Join me at this time tomorrow for the inside scoop on the romantic relationship between Janeway and her first officer."

"Computer, end display."

Janeway slowly grasped her coffee cup, breathing in its scent, hoping it would help calm her down and keep her from throttling someone.

_Someone like Marianne Mayberry_.

_Someone like…him._


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer is in the prologue.**

* * *

Kathryn Janeway was furious.

Actually, furious didn't even begin to explain it.

Seething, livid, enraged, was more like it.

"Who does she think she is?" she practically yelled to the empty room. "Miss Marianne Mayberry, the bringer of truth. Ha!" She slammed her fist into the wall, cursing as she made contact.

Mayberry's version of Kathryn's relationship with Chakotay had been scandalous, to say the least. It was a passionate love affair, full of romance and smoldering glances. The way Mayberry explained it made the whole situation seem like a fairytale.

The fair princess falls for a dashing rebel. The rebel becomes a better man by knowing her and finally discovers harmony within himself. He helps lessen the burdens of the princess's title and together they find true happiness.

It was sickening to Kathryn how close the words sounded to a story she had once heard.

An ancient legend…

It was sickening how it could have been the truth.

The whole situation was laughable, really. The undefeatable Captain Kathryn Janeway, who had been through numerous first contacts, negotiations, and loathsome aliens, felt utterly and completely humiliated by a wannabe reporter's gossip.

Who would have guessed?

A nervous giggle escaped her lips, causing her to clamp her hands over her mouth. Surprised and disgusted with herself for losing control, she took a deep, calming breath.

_I can do this. I did it for seven years. I can do it for a few more weeks. I can do this. _

As she brushed her hair, she studied her surroundings. They were sparse, bare, and unwelcoming, consisting of a bed, a dresser, and a small bathroom. Her quarters on _Voyager _had been much larger; they had been more like home.

_Voyager is my home. _

The thought flashed unbidden through her mind and another giggle escaped, followed by a fit of uncontrollable laughter. She collapsed onto the bed, unable to hold herself up any longer, fits of laughter still shaking her body.

Slowly, the laughter turned into sobs, and the tears rolled down her cheeks freely for the first time in years. All of the stress from the last seven years finally surfaced anddemanded to be acknowledged-with interest. She cried until she had no more tears. She sobbed until her muscles ached with exertion. Then, Kathryn Janeway fell asleep.

* * *

The next day came much too early and Kathryn felt like she hadn't slept at all. She groggily rubbed her temples, hoping to relieve some of the pressure, and glanced at the clock.

_Ah, hell, _she thought. _Today is _not _going to be a good day_. She jumped off the bed and rushed to the sonic shower.

Her meeting with the admiralty started in fifteen minutes.

Precisely nineteen minutes later, she entered the briefing room, knocked over a chair and almost spilled her coffee on the way to her seat. As she approached, Chakotay gave her the "look": his eyebrow raised slightly while his head tilted to the left.

She sighed and avoided his gaze, not wanting to see the question in his eyes, and mumbled the usual, "I'm fine." She shuffled the papers in front of her and waited for the meeting to begin.

Around noon the conference finished, and after much debating it had been decided that all of the crew would be allowed one-week leave, but first there was to be a welcome home ball the next evening. All of the Starfleet brass would be invited, as well as any of the crew's family that could make it in time.

Starfleet was planning quite the get-together, and Kathryn knew Tom was arranging an after party unlike any ever thrown in the Alpha Quadrant. She hoped to pull some strings so they could have it on _Voyager _for one last hurrah.

"Kathryn?" The voice startled her out of her thoughts and she glanced up, already knowing who it was.

"Yes, Chakotay?" She sighed, reaching out to grab her cold coffee and noticing that the room was empty except for them.

"Are you all right?" His question was innocent, she knew that, but it didn't stop the anger building in her stomach. "You don't seem yourself today. I mean," he tugged on his ear as he attempted humor, "you knocked over a chair. Not exactly captain-like behavior." He laughed, showing off his dimples.

"Captain-like behavior? Captain-like behavior? I've had it up to here," she held her shaky hand up above her head, "with captain-like behavior!" She pushed past him, hoping he would let her leave. After that terrible woman's report on their 'relationship,' she didn't know if she could face him.

During the meeting she realized why Marianne Mayberry's words upset her. It was simple. She could have had everything that Mayberry said she did. She could have had her soul mate.

She could have had him.

But she didn't. Instead she had behaved like the perfect captain. She sneered as she thought the words to herself. She had tried to be the perfect captain, and look where it had gotten her. Now he was with Seven, and she was alone.

Interrupting her thoughts again, Chakotay reached up and lightly touched her arm. "Kathryn, what is it?"

"I'm fine. I'm doing fine," She shook his hand off of her arm. "I'll be fine." She turned away from him, closed her eyes, and squeezed the bridge of her nose. Taking a deep breath, she faced him, plastering what she hoped was a believable smile on her face.

"I'm going strong, Commander. This whole situation is a little unnerving, but I'm moving on." She smiled more gently this time and placed her hand on his chest. "I'm meeting my mom at 1300 hours for lunch so I must be going. See you at the ball tomorrow."

"Goodbye, Kathryn," he said as she left the room.

The words she had said to him played through her mind as she walked to the transport station. _I'm doing fine. I'm going strong. I'm moving on…_

_I'm all alone._

_I don't care…_


	3. Chapter 2

"Oh mom, I'm so sorry I'm late!" Kathryn ran through her mother's front door, dropping her bag on the floor, completely exhausted. Not enough sleep the night before, the meeting, and her encounter with Chakotay had really taken its toll on her, physically and emotionally.

"Mom, where are you?" Kathryn had expected Gretchen to rush to the door as soon as she heard the creak of the front porch and grab her in a fierce hug.

If she was being honest with herself she would realize that she wanted her mom to scoop her into a tight embrace, whisper how much she loved her, and make all of her worries disappear.

But Captain Kathryn Janeway was rarely honest with herself, especially when it came to her emotions.

Slightly confused about the whereabouts of her mother, Kathryn walked into the hall, running her hands across the walls as she went, glancing at the pictures full of people she didn't recognize. This place was once her home. She closed her eyes and breathed in, smelling the faint remnants of caramel brownies and freshly washed laundry. It smelled like she remembered. Laughing quietly, she made a mental note to replicate a candle that smelled just like her mother's house the next time she decided to get stranded 70,000 light years away.

As she entered the living room, the hair on the back of her neck stood up, causing her to stiffen. She stopped and glanced around. The room was dark. The sunlight from the hallway cast stray shadows onto the walls. She noticed a small purple vase that had fallen off the small end table to her right. She bent down to pick it up, but stopped halfway. She heard a noise. Kathryn stopped breathing and stood up slowly.

Something was wrong.

She took one step forward, ready to lash out at the intruder.

"SURPRISE!"

Someone flipped the lights and people jumped out from their hiding places.

A little overwhelmed and slightly embarrassed, Kathryn laughed. "You know scaring the captain is never a good idea."

"Well, since you aren't the captain today, there's nothing to worry about." Gretchen came over and patted Kathryn's arm, her blue eyes flashing.

"You're lucky that's the case, or else I would have to put you all in the brig," Kathryn said, her comment earning her a few laughs. She looked around, seeing who had come: her other, Phoebe, a man she had never seen before, a small girl, Aunt Martha, Owen Paris, and one other person who remained in the shadows.

_Hmm, I wonder who that is. _

She took a step in his direction but was soon trapped in a crushing group hug.

"Can't breath here," she gasped. Everyone laughed and they broke apart. Kathryn then went around and hugged each person individually, starting with her mother.

Gretchen's hair was whiter and there were a few more lines around her eyes and mouth but she was still the mother Kathryn knew. "Mom," Kathryn whispered almost reverently as she reached out to embrace her.

"Shh, Kates." Gretchen's arms surrounded Kathryn. "I'm so proud of you, and I know your father would be too." They stayed that way for a few moment, as Gretchen slowly rubbed Kathryn's back. With one last squeeze, Gretchen took a step back. "Now, go give the other guests the attention they deserve." She smiled the classic crooked grin and gave Kathryn a gentle push. "We can talk later."

Kathryn then went over to Phoebe and slugged her on the arm. "Hey sis. Long time no see."

"Seven years, and that's all I get?" Phoebe teased. "Come here, and give your sister a proper hello." She pulled Kathryn into a warm hug. "I hate to admit it, but I missed you," she said with a little chuckle. "Now, there are some very important people I want you to meet." Phoebe linked arms with Kathryn and walked over to the man Kathryn didn't recognize. "This is my husband, Mike." She planted a soft kiss on his cheek. "And this," she crouched down and wrapped her arms around the little girl, "is my darling daughter, Abigail Kathryn Tanner."

Kathryn went to shake Mike's hand, but found herself in another hug instead.

As he released her, he spoke. "I've heard so much about you. Phoebe will never admit it, but she has always looked up to you." The statement earned him a punch in the shoulder. He rubbed the spot and continued talking. "I hope you'll come visit us in Maryland sometime."

Kathryn couldn't help but like the big bear of a man. "I would consider it a honor, Mike."

Feeling a tap on her leg she looked down at Abigail. "And how old are you, cutie?"

"I'm going to be four soon." Abby held up four fingers, her gray eyes open wide. "Will you come to my party?"

Kathryn bent down and took Abby's hand. "Of course I will, sweetie. I wouldn't miss it for the world." She ruffled the child's hair, stood up, and raised an eyebrow. "My, Phoebes, you've been busy while I've been gone."

"And you haven't been busy enough," Phoebe countered. "Now, go say hello to everyone else."

She left the happy family and said hi to Owen. They talked for a little about Tom, B'Elanna, and Miral. Next she spoke with her aunt briefly, well, as briefly as the older woman would allow. After ten minutes of having her ear chewed off, Kathryn was finally able to get away.

Thinking she had seen everyone, she walked over to a corner to observe her family and friends. Everyone was laughing and talking while eating Gretchen's delectable caramel brownies. They all looked happy and Kathryn was happy to be back among them. She smiled and ran her fingers through her hair. It was good to be home.

She stood there for a little longer until the smell of brownies convinced her she needed her own. Turning the corner into the hall, she once again looked at the pictures that decorated the walls. She stopped to look at one from Phoebe's wedding. The couple was standing on a wooden bridge gazing into each other's eyes. There was a perfect sunset in the background, giving the picture an orange glow. Phoebe's dress was a cream color that accentuated her ivory skin. It clung to her body in all the right places and allowed just a little cleavage to show. Her red hair was swept gracefully into a loose bun with ringlets framing her face. Mike was looking at her with such love in his eyes, it was easy to guess why Phoebe married him.

_Chakotay used to look at me like that. _The thought caused her to grimace. _Yes, Chakotay used to looked at me like that. Now Seven is the object of his affection. Its time to move on. _

She rubbed her eyes wearily and resumed her walk to the kitchen. Lost in thought she turned the corner, running right into someone carrying a tray of brownies. The brownies flew everywhere and the two of them landed on the ground in a very undignified manner.

"Mmmph."

"Oh my heavens, I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention." She scrambled off of the man and got to her feet. "Here, let me help you up." She reached down and grabbed his hand. On his feet once again, he brushed the crumbs off his blue jeans and looked her in the eye.

"Hi, Kath."


	4. Chapter 3

"Mark!"

Kathryn went to give him a hug, but then stopped herself. Instead, she touched his arm. "It's so good to see you."

Marked laughed. "Its good to see you too, Kath." He then pulled her close. "I've missed you." He rested his chin on her head and smelled her hair.

A little uncomfortable with their close proximity, Kathryn pulled out of his grasp. "Mark, aren't you…married?"

His face darkened at her question, his eyes hardening. "Maria died during the Dominion War."

"Oh Mark." Kathryn wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him gently, no longer worried about being too close to him. "I'm so sorry. If there's anything that I can do, let me know." She kept him in her arms, holding him until he was ready to be released. She really was sorry for him. She had loved Mark, but that was a long time ago. She honestly wanted him to move on with his life and find happiness with another companion.

A few moments later he pulled away and brushed the tears away from his eyes. "Kath, I don't want to ruin the afternoon for you. Go, have fun, and enjoy your party. You deserve it." He started toward the door.

Kathryn watched him as he went, a little dumbfounded at his sudden appearance back into her life. His broad shoulders were slumped and he had lost weight since she'd seen him last. His grey hair needed a trim. She couldn't let him leave, especially when he needed a friend.

"Mark!" She called after him. "I consider you family. I want you to stay." She smiled gently and laid her hand on his cheek. "Come on." She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room.

"Ah, there you are," exclaimed Gretchen. "I was beginning to think you'd gotten lost on the way to the kitchen." She grabbed Kathryn's shoulder and led her to the front of the room. "Everybody." She up her hands to get their attention. "I've found the missing guest of honor and now she's going to tell us a few of her stories about the Delta Quadrant."

Not quite sure where to begin Kathryn cleared her throat. "First of all I would like to thank you all for coming today. This was such a great surprise." Her cheeks warmed as she said the words. "Now, I'd like to tell you about a special friend of mine. Her name is Kes. She's Ocampan…"

* * *

A couple of hours later, after many stories, a light lunch, caramel brownies, and coffee the guests began to leave. Kathryn said goodbye to each one, with promises of seeing them all again, soon. Mark was the last to leave.

"Kath, thanks for tonight. It was a lot of fun, and it was good to get out again." He smiled his first real smile all night.

Kathryn opened the front door. "I really enjoyed seeing you again." She stopped, hesitant to continue. "Maybe we could have lunch tomorrow?" She looked down at her hands. "I'd love to hear about Maria, if you're all right with talking about her."

"I'd like that, I'd like that very much. I have a meeting at 1330. I'll be here at 1100 to pick you up. How does that sound?

"Works for me." She leaned against the door and folded her arms. "See you tomorrow."

Mark took a step off the porch then spun around and planted a quick kiss on her cheek. "See you tomorrow." And with that he left.

Kathryn stood on the porch, stunned. _Well, today turned out differently then I expected. _She smiled and touched the spot where Mark had kissed her. _Yep, this is an interesting turn of events._

She moved into the house, finding Gretchen in the living room cleaning up after the party. Kathryn walked over and gave her mother a quick hug. "Mom, I want to thank you for this." She waved at the empty room. "It was wonderful."

"Its no problem, dear." She picked a plate off the floor. "Seeing your reaction made it all worth it. I don't think I've seen you so tense since you were a child, terrified of thunderstorms." Gretchen grinned mischievously. "And I wanted an excuse to invite Mark over."

Kathryn groaned. "Mom."

Gretchen threw her hands in the air. "It was for his sake not yours. Since Maria died he hasn't been the same. He needed to get out. You getting to see him was just an added bonus." She crossed her arms. "Now are you going to help me clean up this mess or not?"

Together they tidied the room, talking about everything and nothing all at once. When they were finished they both sat down on the couch and continued chatting. At a lull in the conversation Gretchen turned and took Kathryn's hands. Her eyes were the only thing that gave away her concern. "Kates, you've told me all about your crew, but you haven't said a word about yourself. What did you do for those seven years? How did you spend your time? Did you socialize with the crew often? Was there anyone special in your life?"

"Mom." Kathryn interrupted her. "I can only answer so many questions at a time." She paused and took a moment to think. "In my free time, which I didn't have very much of mind you, I read, I had one or two holoprograms I played, I listened to my classical music database, too many times to count."

Gretchen chortled and squeezed Kathryn's hand. "Go on."

"I went to the crew parties, when time would allow, I occasionally watched old soap operas with B'Elanna on an ancient television set she got for Tom. I usually ate dinner at least once a week with Chakotay…" She trailed off, staring at the speckled carpet.

Gretchen fidgeted. "Its him. He's the special one in your life." Her words were a statement not a question. "Will you tell me about him?"

Kathryn pulled her hands away. "There's nothing to tell. There was never anything between us. Besides, he's with someone else." Needing to separate herself from the situation, she stood abruptly and walked to the other side of the room. "It's late. I need to get home."

Gretchen rose and walked over to Kathryn. "To those awful temporary quarters?" she asked quietly. "I think not." She placed her hands on her hips. "I absolutely forbid it. You'll be staying here until you find your own place."

"They gave me the quarters so I'm going to use them. I have no idea how long its going to take to find my own place. And then there's debriefings. Only heaven knows how long those are going to take. I don't want to impose."

"Kathryn, you're my daughter. You'll never be imposing. You're staying here. I have seven years of catching up with you to do. Please stay." Her voice was almost pleading

Seeing her mother's distress, Kathryn nodded. "All right, I'll stay."

"I knew you would." Gretchen clasped her small hands together. "Let's go upstairs and put your old room back together." She put her arm around her daughter's waist and led her up the stairs, smiling all the way.

* * *

Kathryn woke up the next morning to the smell of cinnamon, bacon, and coffee. Curious, she got out of bed, replicated a robe, and walked down stairs.

"Oh good, you're up. I made breakfast - Cinnamon French toast and bacon. And coffee, of course."

"Mmm. My favorite, especially the coffee."

Grabbing their plates, mother and daughter sat down at the oak table and began to eat.

This being her first real home cooked meal in seven years - besides Neelix's food, if one could even call it food - Kathryn was quite overwhelmed. She savored each bite, relishing in the fact that everything was real and not replicated. They ate in silence, both comfortable with just being in the other's presence.

"If I don't hurry and get my own place you're going to have to roll me out of here."

"Good. You're much too skinny. Putting on a little weight wouldn't hurt. Coffee must have been the only thing you ever ate out there." Gretchen pointed her fork accusingly at her daughter.

Ducking her head, Kathryn took another bite of French toast. "No, of course not. Chakotay forced me to have a cup of tea every once in a while. Nasty stuff. I was much better off with coffee."

That statement caused Gretchen to laugh heartily. "Oh Kates, its so good to have you back."

Kathryn nodded her head in agreement. "What are your plans for the day?"

"I took work off, so I've got nothin'. What about you?"

"I'm having lunch with Mark at 1200."

The comment made Gretchen raise her eyebrows.

Pretending not to notice, Kathryn continued. "Tonight, Starfleet is throwing a welcome home ball, starting at seven. You and Phoebe are invited."

"Kathryn, you could have given me more notice! I don't have anything to wear."

"Neither do I. I guess we're just going to have to go shopping."

Gretchen laughed. "I guess so. I'll call Phoebe and see if she would like to join us. Run upstairs and get ready for your lunch date."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Yes, mother."

* * *

Mark arrived right on time and together they transported to a quaint coffee shop located in San Francisco. They sat down and looked at their menus.

"This is a nice little place, Mark. How did you find it?"

"It was one of Maria's favorite places to eat." His hands shook a little as he answered. "She was a coffee lover, just like you, so I figured you might enjoy it as well."

"Ah." They were quiet for a few moments, neither of them sure of what to say.

Kathryn took the time to study him while he looked at his menu. He looked older. More defined - wise maybe. His hair was shaggy, but the salt and pepper color was very becoming. His eyes seemed more distant, like they were seeing a time long past. Which was understandable. In the last seven years, the unfortunate man lost two women he had decided to spend the rest of his life with…a trial anyone would struggle with. But now Kathryn was back. Maybe if given the chance they could make it work again.

The truth was that Mark had always been safe, she had described him as a safety net once to Chakotay and that's really what had been the whole time they were together. He was there only when she wanted him to be. He never pushed or demanded more of her time then she was willing to give. With him, she could be Captain Kathryn Janeway and he would never complain. The man took what he could get. It was very much a one sided relationship. The reality of the matter was she didn't love him anymore. Maybe with time she could, but did she want to?

After they ordered, Mark spoke up. "Kath, thanks for asking me to lunch. I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome, and don't worry about it. I actually don't have many appointments for the next week." She looked him in the eye. "And you are one of the people I want to catch up with.

"Will you tell me about her?"

Mark nodded slowly and began describing Maria. How he had met her. What she looked like. Her personality. Their first date. Their wedding. Their hopes and dreams. Kathryn watched him while he talked. The way his lips moved as they formed words. How when he mentioned Maria his whole countenance lit up. In a way it made her sad. Another instance of what she could have had if circumstances would've allowed. They would have been married for about six years now, had she not gotten stranded in the Delta Quadrant. She'd probably even be a mother.

"She was pregnant. She was pregnant when she died." His words were full of anguish. "Only three months, but still. It was a girl." He blinked rapidly, pausing for a moment. "I'm sorry. You probably think I'm a blubbering idiot."

"No, no. Not at all. She sounds really special, Mark. I think you would've been a great father." She reached out and laid her hand on top of his.

"Thanks, Kath."

When lunch was over they both stood up and grabbed their things. "Would you like to come over and see Molly tonight? I'm sure she'd love to see you and you need to meet Echo, one of her puppies I was able to keep."

"I'd love to, but I have plans for this evening, I'm sorry."

His face fell, "I understand. You're a busy person. "

She felt terrible turning him down. "How about you come with me tonight? It's the welcome home ball Starfleet is throwing us."

"No, that's okay. I couldn't intrude like that. I'm sure its meant for family and the brass."

"Mark," she said sternly. "I told you last night that you _are _family."

He laughed. "That you did. All right, I'll come."

"Good. I'll be by your place at six thirty."

The two then parted, Mark heading home to pull out a tux, and Kathryn off to go shopping with Phoebe and Gretchen. Both a little anxious about how things were going to pan out that evening.


	5. Chapter 4

Kathryn studied her reflection in the full length mirror. The cobalt blue dress made her feel young again, like the last seven years had never happened. It shimmered, falling to the floor in a wave of fabric. The slightly pleated skirt flowed around her, showing the curve of her legs as she walked. She spun slowly, delighting in the way the material floated around her calves.

The back dipped into a soft square shape, showing off her muscled back. Her right shoulder was bare and a strap ran diagonally from below her breast to the sleeve on her left shoulder. The bodice twisted slightly, accentuating her chest, allowing only a trace of cleavage to show.

She styled her hair in a loose, but elegant chignon at the nape of her neck, with the hair in front falling free to frame her face. A rich gold eye shadow highlighted the blue in her eyes.

After checking herself in the mirror one last time, she glanced at the clock and rushed down the stairs.

Finding Gretchen in the master bathroom, she whistled. "Wow, Mom, you look great."

"You don't look too bad yourself. I just spoke with Phoebe. They aren't going to be able to make it. Let's get going. We don't want to be late to pick up your date."

Together they left the house and headed over to Mark's.

Ringing the bell, Kathryn turned to her mother and glared. "He is not my date."

Gretchen leaned in. "Whatever you say, Dear."

Mark opened the door and stepped out. "Kath, you look amazing." His voice was soft and warm. Kathryn was surprised when it made her feel slightly uncomfortable.

"Thanks. Shall we get going?"

* * *

Arriving at the party, they were greeted by an ensign. "C-captain Janeway, your seats are right this way." He led them to a table at the front of the room. "Please enjoy yourself Ma'am."

The three of them sat at the empty table, in awe of the large room. There were floor to ceiling windows draped with rich purple fabric. Above them were numerous crystal chandeliers that sparkled intensely. The floor was a white marble with black swirl designs. There were circular tables all around. Kathryn guessed they would be pushed aside when all of the formalities were over to allow for dancing. In front of their table was a stage elevated a few feet off the ground, complete with a podium and microphone. Kathryn noticed Tom and B'Elanna entering the room and motioned for them to join her.

"Madam Captain, it's good to see you again." Tom bowed with a flourish and pulled out a chair for B'Elanna.

Rolling her eyes she sat down. "Just ignore him, Captain. He obviously isn't getting enough sleep. I don't understand why though; it's not like he gets up to feed Miral."

Tom looked horrified at the accusation. "She's so loud, how could I sleep through _that_? Besides, its not like I have the right equipment to feed her. What do you want me to do? Hold your hand while you do what you do?"

Kathryn laughed. "Where is little Miral tonight, anyway? I wanted to see her."

"We left her at Grandma's. I needed a break." B'Elanna, noticing Kathryn's companions, asked, "Captain, aren't you going to introduce us to your guests?"

"I must have left my manners in the Delta Quadrant. Tom, B'Elanna, this is my mother, Gretchen, and this is Mark."

Tom, in the middle of a drink, choked. "_The _Mark?"

B'Elanna elbowed him in the stomach. "Please forgive my husband. He's _really _the one who left his manners in the Delta Quadrant. We're very pleased to meet you."

Tom rubbed the spot where she had hit him. "I did not _leave _them there. I'm just selective when I use them. Geesh." He reached over the table and shook Mark's hand. "Its so nice to actually meet you. There were only rumors about your existence. Finding out you're real clarifies why the captain never hooked up with the commander."

Growling, B'Elanna kicked him this time.

Gretchen, as timely as ever, decided to join the conversation before Tom had a chance to elaborate. "I've heard a lot about you two recently. I want to thank you for helping keep my daughter safe."

"I think you have it a little wrong," B'Elanna stated. "She's the one who kept us safe. Without her, we would still be stuck out there, or dead."

"Nonsense," Kathryn spoke up. "Without either of you, we wouldn't have made it. I never thanked you for what you've done. But let me say it now. Thank you."

Tom chuckled. "Now, Captain, there's no need to get all mushy. There will be plenty of time for that later."

The ballroom filled up as the rest of the crew and their families arrived. Kathryn was glad that they were allowed to wear civilian attire to this Starfleet function. They all had spent the last seven years practically living in their uniforms.

Just as Kathryn raised a glass of champagne to her lips, she saw Chakotay and Seven being seated at a table not far away. Chakotay was walking close to Seven and Kathryn was willing to bet her best coffee maker that he had his hand on her lower back, lending her support, as he had so many times for her. She nearly choked when she saw the way he was looking at Seven, the way his hand reached up to brush a stray hair from her face, the way Seven's dressed hugged her body in a tantalizing way.

Fighting the intense urge to stand up and leave the room, she tore her gaze away and focused on the company around her. Mark caught her eye with a questioning look. She shook her head and reached for his hand under the table.

Not long after she noticed Chakotay, she received a tap on her shoulder. Expecting to see him she turned, feeling a little relieved and put out at the same time when she saw a lieutenant standing at full attention. "Ma'am, if you would follow me please." He turned and walked away, without waiting for an answer.

Noticing everyone's curiosity, she shrugged, just as confused as they were.

The lieutenant set off briskly through the crowd. Her short legs found it hard to keep up, forcing her to jog. Finally, they reached a door in a secluded corner. He held it open and motioned for her to enter. Cautiously, Kathryn stepped through.

Seated at the small table was Admiral Nechayev. The small blonde woman motioned for her to sit down.

"Captain. I've called you in here to discuss what is going to happen tonight. I hope we will have your full cooperation."

From the older woman's tone, Kathryn knew this was not going to be pleasant. Why it couldn't have waited until after the party was beyond her.

"In about ten minutes the program will begin. Eventually, Admiral Paris will call you up and present you with an award. You will accept the award and then give a speech. Your speech will include your resignation from Starfleet. You will then go back to your seat. If you cooperate with us fully, we will publicly pardon all of the Maquis and the young Mr. Paris. If you choose not to cooperate, they will all be charged with the crimes they have committed and will spend the rest of their lives in prison." Nechayev's cold eyes bore into Kathryn's. "Do we understand each other?"

"Perfectly."

The admiral dismissed her with a flick of her hand.

Leaving the room, Kathryn struggled to gain her composure. She trudged toward the table, feeling numb.

Her smile felt forced as she sat down. Noticing that Tom's father, Owen, had taken the last empty seat, she nodded at him and joined in the conversation about Tom's holo-programming skills - hoping, no one suspected that something was terribly wrong.

Exactly ten minutes later, Reg Barclay took the stand. Tapping the microphone and clearing his throat, he began. "Wh-what a glorious day it is. The _Voyager _crew is home. Safe. They're here, among us, once again." The more he spoke the clearer his voice became. "We are all here to celebrate their magnificent return. We will now begin with Admiral Owen Paris." Reg bowed and stepped off the stage.

Paris reached the podium quickly. "Ladies and gentlemen, as Reg said, today we are here to celebrate _Voyager_'s wondrous return. To start the festivities, I want to introduce you to someone I met many years ago. This person came to me as a cadet and asked me to be an advisor for her thesis. She practically demanded my participation and wouldn't take no for an answer. Later, this same woman served under me on the USS Al-Batani. On that ship she overcame many hardships and together we went through a life changing-experience.

"Over the years I watched her grow. I watched her suffer through the deaths of her father and her fiancé. I saw her push, shove, and fight through everything life decided to throw at her. And she has done it again. She brought her crew home against all odds. Will this remarkable woman join me up on the stage? Would Captain Kathryn Janeway please come up?"

Kathryn approached the pulpit, embarrassed by all of the praise he had given her. In truth, his words had meant a lot to her. With Nechayev's revelation of how the night was to pan out, she had been positive she wasn't going to get any recognition. Not that she wanted any, but being coerced into resigning made her think Starfleet wasn't glad they made it back.

Once on the stage, she turned to face the crowd, stunned by the sheer number of people. Owen shook her hand. "I am pleased to present you with Starfleet's Decoration of Prestige, a unique award for a unique mission." He smiled and gave her a small box. Opening it she saw a white gold medal with an emblem of Voyager stamped into it. The detail was so intricate she could make out her ready room window on the ship's side.

She blinked back tears-tears of joy mixed with tears of anger. The medal was beautiful, but it didn't mean what it should. To Kathryn, it was a symbol of Starfleet's betrayal.

Owen drew her into a hug, and pulling away he whispered, "No matter what happens tonight, know that I'm proud of you." He stepped back and grasped her arm, pushing her gently to the microphone.

She looked into the faces of her crew and their families. Her loyal crew. Her family. Pride overwhelmed her. Taking a deep breath, she began her hastily prepared speech.

"Seven years - seven years ago we began a journey unlike any other. An exploration, an adventure that created a family. The journey was not simple. It was not easy, but it was worth it. Every step of the way. Seven years we were out there struggling, fighting for our lives every day. Seven years of not knowing what was in store. Not knowing if we would be able to find much-needed supplies. Not knowing if the next aliens we met would be willing to trade or would want to blow us up. Seven years without support from families, friends, or Starfleet.

"As challenging as it was, I wouldn't change what happened. Looking back, I realize it was the best seven years of my life. Being thrown into the Delta Quadrant was the chance of a lifetime. It was a miraculous journey. One that forced us to get along. Our survival depended on us working together, to become friends…to become a family. We are a family.

"We lost many along the way. Each death tore a hole in my heart. Knowing once we got home, there would be families missing loved ones. To those families I would like to say, I'm deeply sorry for your loss."

Unsure of what else to say, Kathryn realized the time had come to make her announcement. For a fleeting moment she considered not going through with it. She thought about not putting her crew first, for once, but an image of little Miral flashed across her vision. _How could I live with myself if I took her parents away from her? _

Having made up her mind, she looked out again, this time at her mother, at Mark, Tom, B'Elanna, Chakotay and Seven. She then found Harry and Tuvok seated with their families towards the back of the room.

_They will know. _

They would all know this wasn't her choice. They all understood that Starfleet was her life. Chakotay, more than anyone else, knew the sacrifices she made to get them home. _Damn, Kathryn. You have to make them believe. Their freedom depends on it._

Making sure the captain's mask was firmly in place, she pushed onward. "No crew will ever measure up to this one. No mission will ever make an impact as life changing as this one. And for that reason I'm respectfully resigning from Starfleet."

She held up her hand at the noise that immediately began. She had to make this work and to do that she was going to have to lie to them. "I know this is sudden and out of character, but this is my choice. It's time for me to take my life in a different direction." She forced a laugh. "Maybe I'll finally take Chakotay's advice and relax."

"Thank you all for your support and a huge thanks to my remarkable crew." She smiled weakly and stepped off the stand with shaky legs, wondering how the hell she was going to get through the rest of the night.


	6. Chapter 5

At her seat once again, Kathryn made eye contact with everyone at the table. Owen's lips were pursed into a grim line. Mark's brow was furrowed and the rest looked angry. "This is for the best. Trust me." She placed her hand on Gretchen's shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. "It's what I want."

Sitting, she leaned back in her chair and watched as Nechayev awarded her crew with various honors and medals. She was a mere observer as Harry finally got the promotion he rightfully deserved. The Maquis were pardoned and Tom's sentence revoked.

Kathryn snorted. _At least they kept up their side of the bargain. _

The evening took on a surreal feeling. As the scene before her blurred, the images twisted and glowed. She felt like she was watching everything on a malfunctioning view screen. Detached from the proceedings, but still able to smile and clap at the appropriate times. Kathryn knew she could trick everyone, make them all believe she was happy…well almost everyone.

She studied Chakotay as he walked to the stand to accept his award. She loved his dimples, the way his smile lit up his face. His chiseled nose and cheek bones - they made him looked distinguished. She thought of all the times he had supported her, all of the times he had been her friend. He was everything she needed.

_I love him. _

She had never allowed herself to think the words before. She was too afraid, too proud.

But now it had been acknowledged , and all it did was open an old wound, long ignored. She wanted him. She wanted to wake up to him in the morning. She wanted to argue with him about her coffee intake and whether or not she was getting enough sleep. She wanted him to be involved in every aspect of her life.

She watched him descend from the stage and suddenly her anger at the situation pounded into her. She should have been the one to present him his award, to kiss him on the cheek and finally celebrate their accomplishment - together. She should have been the one to give Harry his pips, and the rest of the crew their plaques. Kathryn felt her mask beginning to slide off, melting from the hot rage buried deep within her. She scrambled to keep it on, packing her fury inside, balling it up and squishing it into a corner.

She looked at Chakotay's face and found him scrutinizing her.

_He saw._

She forced the mask back into place and looked away. Feeling a slight pressure on her leg, she realized Mark was stroking her thigh. She suppressed a shudder.

_This is all wrong - this whole night is wrong. I should be getting a promotion. Chakotay should be the one rubbing my leg. That's the way this story was supposed to end._

She massaged her temples, trying to come up with a way to stop Mark without hurting his feelings. It was wrong of her to lead him on, and she needed to end it. Putting her hands down, she gently stopped his hand. She shook her head then faced front and watched the atrocious admiral do a captain's job.

At the end of the proceedings, the tables were pushed to the sides of the room and the sound of music filled the air. The rest of the night was for dancing and celebrating. Not that Kathryn really wanted to participate, but she had a duty - a duty to her crew and to herself.

She _would _leave the nightmarish evening with her pride still intact, even if it killed her.

Making her way to the bar, she noticed Chakotay dancing with Seven - no, it was much more than dancing. He was caressing her, hugging her body to him. His head was tilted, his cheek resting against hers. They swayed as one to the music. Kathryn felt bile rise in her throat. She wanted to turn away. She wanted to leave.

But she couldn't. She stood rooted to the spot, captivated by the painful scene before her.

Once, a long time ago, she could have sworn Chakotay promised to wait for her, and she was willing to do the same.

_I lost that opportunity a long time ago. _

She remembered how the admiral had come, informing her younger self that Seven and Chakotay would eventually marry. Seven was young and beautiful, she could give him everything Kathryn couldn't.

She vaguely heard the song end. Blinking, she took a step back, fighting to regain control of her wayward limbs, and she would have won…if Chakotay hadn't opened his eyes at that moment and looked at her.

The love in his eyes made her swallow hard. It was a look of pure devotion. Love - for Seven.

Kathryn's breaths came in short gasps as all the emotions of the evening came crashing down. Hurt. Defeat. Betrayal. Anger. They hit her like a brick wall and it was all she could do to not crumple into a ball. Instead, she directed everything she felt at him, all the pain, treachery, discomfort. She made sure he saw it all, like she had so many times during their journey. The phrase, 'if looks could kill,' crossed her mind.

_Ha! I wish that was the case. _

She stared him down, unforgiving, blaming him for everything that had gone wrong. After only a few seconds of her intense glare, he glanced away. Kathryn smiled with malice and felt a perverse sense of pleasure at his obvious discomfort. Taking what she could get, she turned on her heel, leaving him on the dance floor in the arms of his beloved.

* * *

Chakotay, trying to make sense of Kathryn's speech, watched her leave the stage. He couldn't help but admire how her dress floated around her as she descended the stairs. His eyes followed her as she made her way back to her seat. He saw the way she sat down, collapsing into her chair. He watched her as Harry got promoted, seeing the way her eyes glazed over. He didn't miss how her face remained blank as members of the crew were called up to receive their awards. He noticed the way she barely reacted when Nechayev announced that the Maquis were being fully pardoned. Yes, she clapped along with the rest of them, but she was just going through the motions.

Her façade fooled everyone in the room - everyone except him.

Chakotay snapped out of his reverie when he heard his name announced. He walked to the stand and accepted a plaque of recognition for his service. Returning to his seat, he made eye contact with Kathryn. For less than a second he thought he saw…he wasn't quite sure; a haunted look, a look of defeat? But it disappeared before he could be sure. He kept watching her out of the corner of his eye, cataloging her every move. He stiffened when the man next to her reached over and rubbed her thigh. Chakotay scrunched his eyes and tried to place the man's familiar face. Turning away, quite disgusted at the sight of another man touching Kathryn, his eyes were drawn to Seven.

She truly looked outstanding. She was wearing her hair down, curled slightly. He loved the way it outlined her face, making her seem softer. Her dress had left an impression on him from the moment he saw her, making it hard to keep his eyes off of her.

Unless Kathryn was around.

Chakotay shifted slightly for a better angle to study the man with her. He had seen him somewhere. Jealousy surged in him as Kathryn leaned over and whispered intimately in his ear. He struggled, fighting the urge to strangle the unknown man.

_Why is this happening? That's supposed to be me comforting her as she watches her crew get promoted. Hell, I should be by her side while _she _gets promoted. This isn't the way our journey should end. _

He was being selfish and he knew it. Here he was with Seven, watching her body as she moved, seeing the fullness of her lips as she spoke, but he wanted to punch the man taking his place at Kathryn's side. He wanted to hit him and hear the satisfying crunch of his bones breaking. Chakotay shook himself. He had no right, absolutely no right, to expect her to remain alone.

The whole fling with Seven made him feel like an idiot. But he had been sick of waiting. He told Kathryn many years ago that he couldn't sit around waiting for a future that may never happen, and this was one of those times. They hadn't known they would make it home. They didn't know if they could ever be together. So he moved on. He found Seven. He discovered the woman in her who was trying to discover her emotions, not bury them. Seven refreshed him, like a breath of clean air after being stuck in a stifling room for years.

But he was addicted to that stifling room.

He clenched his fists. They were home. They could give the relationship they had been denied for seven years a try, if only he hadn't deserted her. But now, it looked like she had moved on as well. The thought made his blood boil. She had promised…and so had he.

He looked at Kathryn, completely mesmerized by her beauty. She looked stunning. He couldn't pretend otherwise. While Seven was a perfect example of beauty, it was superficial. Her body was one any man could appreciate, but her charms only ran so deep. Inside she was cold. It wasn't her fault. Not at all. The Borg took that away from her. They made her an emotionless robot.

_But Kathryn…_

Her beauty ran deep. It engulfed her soul. And that's what made her so special to him. Her humanity, love, selflessness. It made her beautiful in a way Seven never would be. The vulnerability Kathryn tried so hard to hide was endearing. Her adamant belief that she could do anything on her own was what drew him to her.

_I love her. _

The thought was sudden. Unbidden. It was a thought he hadn't allowed himself to think in many years. Permitting it to surface caused more pain than he could tolerate. She would never be his. Especially now. He was with Seven and she was with…_Mark. _

He finally recognized the mystery man. Other than looking a little older, he was the man in the pictures Kathryn kept in her quarters. Chakotay's shoulders slumped. She was engaged to Mark once.

His chance was gone.

"Commander." Seven's calm voice cut through his thoughts. He looked up at her, noticing the tables were being pushed aside.

"I request that you dance with me."

They waltzed slowly to the music. A few minutes passed before Chakotay realized Seven was leading. Slightly agitated, he leaned in and spoke softly into her ear. "Seven, let me lead, okay?" She nodded sharply, but relaxed her steps a little.

He imagined Kathryn in his arms. He smelled her hair, the peachy shampoo she used. He put his cheek next to hers, like he had so many times in his dreams. He rubbed her back, wrapped his arms around her, drew her close, and relished the feel of her body against his. Together, they became one with the music, rocking to the beat.

As the song faded away, so did his fantasy. He opened his eyes and froze. Across the room, Kathryn's grey eyes bore into his, showing all of the hurt and betrayal he knew she felt. Ashamed, he looked away, mortified because he had been dreaming of Kathryn while dancing in the arms of another. Humiliated that he had just used her for his own twisted pleasure. He knew quite well that Kathryn Janeway deserved more respect than that.

He looked up in time to see her turn and walk away in an angry ocean of blue, her dress whirling around her.


	7. Chapter 6

After walking away from Chakotay, Kathryn found a secluded table and ordered a drink. When the waiter came with her order, she stared unseeing into the amber liquid, lost in thought.

"You're going to have to let it out sooner or later you know."

Kathryn jumped at the sudden intrusion and looked up to see Gretchen pulling out the chair next to her.

"You've been holding everything in for so long. Eventually you're going to explode."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Mother."

"Don't you try and pull that one on me. I raised you. I know you better than anyone…anyone except maybe, Chakotay.

Kathryn cringed then took a large swig of her drink. The liquid burned as it went down. "Mom-"

"No. Let me continue. You love him and you're too damn proud to admit it. Seven stole him from you - and you let her do it. Starfleet screwed you over - no, don't deny it. I'm not stupid. I know it wasn't your choice. They blackmailed you and you let them. It's pathetic, Kathryn. You're pathetic."

Kathryn stared, stunned by her mother's cruel remarks. It was the truth and she knew it, but hearing it from her own mother was like being slapped in the face. Struggling to find her voice, she finally managed to croak, "I know."

"Then do something about it. My heavens, you're Kathryn Janeway. _Pull yourself together_." She slapped the table with each word. "You've never let someone walk all over you before. I raised you better than that." She yanked the drink out of Kathryn's hand, took a sip, and cocked an eyebrow.

"Mom, what I've been holding down inside of me…if I let it out after all these years…" She let the words hang in the air, unsure of what to say next.

"I know, Dear, but that's no excuse." Gretchen patted her arm. "Now, go decide what you're going to do about this."

Kathryn stood, smiling weakly.

"Oh, and Kates?" Gretchen stood and reached out, wrapping her arms around her daughter. "I love you. Even if you are being pathetic." Gretchen held her firmly and Kathryn let her. She needed someone to hold her. For seven years she was the one giving advice, listening, and lending comfort. Tonight, as much as she hated to admit it, Kathryn needed someone to be that person for to be her.

Kathryn stepped back. "Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome, Dear. I'm your mother, it's my job to keep you in line. Now, didn't I tell you to go?"

Kathryn laughed and held up her hands. "I'm going."

Calm after the exchange with her mother, Kathryn exited the ballroom and made her way to the courtyard. The night was cool and the bright flowers waved in a slight breeze. She closed her eyes and took a moment to enjoy the feeling of being on Earth again.

_It really is good to be home. I've missed it._

Taking a deep breath, she set off down the semi-lit path, reveling in the beauty around her. If the evening hadn't been so disastrous, she probably would have enjoyed herself. But disastrous it had been and she, sure as hell, hadn't enjoyed any of it. Starfleet had made sure of that. Her very existence for the last seven years had been for them, and now they'd dropped her like a hot pan. After all she put herself through for them, for their protocols, they left her on the side of the road - without even a thank you.

Yeah, sure, they'd given her that award. Starfleet's Decoration of Prestige. She guffawed humorlessly. They conceived the medal just for her. Normally, she would have been absolutely thrilled to accept such an award, but this one came with a tag, a price, and what they demanded of her was inexcusable.

The calm she'd felt earlier dissipated. Everything she was trying to hold inside burst out of its carefully built prison, completely obliterating the walls that contained it, leaving her feeling weak and vulnerable.

All of her demons came rushing out. Her doubts, her fears, her insecurities pounded at her already-lost control. Wanting, demanding to be heard. Ripping down the walls she had erected, leaving them in indistinguishable shreds. But the guilt was the worst. It ate at her soul. Ripped at her confidence. Shattered her hope of getting though the mess that had become her life.

She felt stubborn tears forming and she angrily brushed them aside. _This is _not_ the time to start crying. _

Then she heard him - sensed him, maybe. He came from behind her, trying to catch up. She kept her pace quick, not allowing herself to slow down for him.

He fell in step beside her. "Commander, I'm fine." She said it before he could ask, hoping it would deter more questions.

He didn't say anything, just kept walking with her, and for some reason it made her even more upset. She stopped, put her hands on her hips and forced a look that showed nothing but the purest confidence and determination. "We're home, Chakotay. I got us home. There's no reason for me to be unhappy."

"I spent the last seven years looking after you. It's a hard habit to break."

She sighed. "Yes, you did, and you did a good job. I promise, I'm fine."

"You just resigned, gave up everything you've ever worked for in your life. I think that's reason enough to be worried."

"Chokatoy," she growled in warning.

"Kathryn, I just want to make sure you're all right. That's what friends do, they help each other."

"Commander, I'll be fine. I need to work some things out. I need to move on, but I'll be fine. The next words came out considerably quieter. "I have to learn to let go, to let go of a life I lived for seven years."

That stood in silence for a few minutes.

"Why are you really here, Chakotay? What's on your mind?"

He didn't say anything at first. Instead his chocolate eyes studied her own. His stare made Kathryn feel exposed, but she held his gaze firmly.

Finally he spoke. "Why did you do it?"

His quiet question hit to close for comfort, causing the walls of her control to topple. "You want to know why? After seven years you never figured it out? I got us stranded and let people die!"

At this point she wanted nothing more than to slaughter the lot of them. Chakotay. Tom. B'Elanna. Owen. Mark. Gretchen.

Starfleet.

_Yes, Starfleet in particular. Followed closely by Seven_.

"That Commander, is why." She thrust out her chin and looked him directly in the eye, daring him to try and comfort her in any way. Hoping he would - hating herself for allowing that hope to exist.

In a dangerously quiet voice she continued. "I had a goal, Chakotay. I had a dream to get everyone home, to bring them back to the lives I tore from them. I did it all for the crew. It wasn't for me; it never was. If it wasn't for me, you all would have been home safe and sound for the last seven years."

She looked at him, waiting for an answer, but he refused to meet her gaze. Instead, he studied a rosebush next to the path with great interest.

Livid at his lack of response, she continued. "All that work and what did it get me? What did seven years of hell get me, Chakotay? Seven years of no time to myself. Seven years dedicated to an organization I believed in! What did it get me?" Her tone demanded an answer but he still refused to look at her. "Nothing, I got nothing. They give me that ridiculous award and ask me to resign."

She took a few steps toward him, jabbing her finger into his chest. "Well, Chakotay, tell me, when is it my turn? This time I will live for me!"

She huffed and plopped down on a nearby bench. She closed her eyes and filled her lungs with the cool air. Releasing her breath slowly, she glanced at Chakotay. This time his eyes met hers, and the warmth she saw there surprised her.

He reached toward the rose bush he had been looking at earlier, and broke off a flower in full bloom. Never breaking eye contact, he handed her the blossom.

It was a truce, an offering of peace.

Her eyes watered as she recognized the colors. The pale pink petals fading into light yellow. It was a peace rose, their flower. She took it from him and held it to her face, inhaling the sweet scent.

"May I sit?"

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

"Your mother told me I would find you out here."

Kathryn put the rose down and glared at him.

"Don't blame her. I asked. I needed to find you, to apologize for my actions earlier."

She held her hand up, cutting him off. "You don't need to apologize. It's none of my business what you do in your personal life. I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't have…been so rude."

"Kathryn, stop. Just stop. I want to say this and I would appreciate it if you would _try _not to interrupt."

She folded her arms and motioned for him to continue.

"When I saw you there watching me as I danced with Seven…I realized something." He shook his head. "No, that's all wrong. Let me start over. …I was dancing with you."

She snorted. "You were dancing with me? It sure as hell didn't look like you were dancing with me. You had your arms all over her. You…" she choked. "You're in love with her. The way you looked at her showed it all."

"Yes, Kathryn, I'm in love with the woman I was dancing with."

Kathryn stood and turned away from him, not wanting to hear anymore. "I see, so you're in love with her and you want to apologize to me for breaking my heart. It all makes sense now. Tell me, what makes you think my heart is yours to break? Huh? I'm here with Mark, you know."

"I know." His shoulders slumped. "I saw you with him, saw the way he touched you…"

She spun around. "You were _watching _me?"

He looked sheepish. "Yeah." Standing, he took her by the shoulders. "Look, I came here to tell you…I love you."

"I know you love Seven. You don't need to tell me. Go. Just-" She dropped her hands to her sides. "You what?"

"I love _you_, Kathryn. I have for so long, it's just a part of me now. I saw you with Mark and…I don't know. It was like an animal instinct came over me. I wanted to hurt him. When I was dancing with Seven, I realized how much I wanted it to be you, and for a while it was you. You were the woman in my arms." He pulled her gently towards him and brushed the hair out her face. "It's you I love. It's always been you."

They were close now. Very close. She could smell his musky cologne. She wanted to kiss him, to feel his lips on hers in a gentle exchange that would show more than words ever could.

But she didn't, she couldn't.

Kathryn turned away from him, pulling out of his grip. "Chakotay…I can't." She strode away from him, pausing for only a moment.

_I love you too, Chakotay. _


	8. Chapter 7

_Kathryn Janeway, you are a fool and a coward. _

The words bounced inside her head as she began her trek back to the ballroom.

She wasn't a fool and a coward all the time, but when it came to personal issues - when it came to her emotions - she was. She faced danger every day while in the Delta Quadrant without batting an eyelash. On the bridge Kathryn was a soldier: brave, smart, and unafraid; on the battlefield of her heart she was timid, unsure, and scared.

She laughed as she realized she had just gone back on her word. She yelled at Chakotay, telling him she was going to live for herself and then, only a few minutes later, she walked away because…well, she really didn't know why. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. The hellish night was just getting worse and worse.

She entered the vast room and saw Mark approaching.

"Kath, there you are." He smiled and kissed the back of her hand. "Would you dance with me?"

She smiled weakly and agreed. Arm in arm, he led her to the dance floor. Kathryn tried to concentrate on Mark. She searched frantically for some way to begin the conversation, but she couldn't come up with anything.

They danced in awkward silence for a few moments until Mark began. "You've changed."

"Hmm? Yeah, seven years will do that to you." Her voice was tired and the words scratched her throat.

He laughed. "Yes, yes it will."

Lost in his own thoughts, he stopped dancing for a moment. "I loved you Kath, very much. When they announced your ship was lost, I was devastated. I waited longer than most and I would have kept waiting, but Maria came into my life." He resumed their slow dance.

"Mark, you really don't have to tell me this."

"No, I want to. I met Maria and she helped me learn to live again. When she died, I was lost for a second time. After receiving the news of your return, I hoped you would help me get past her death, and you have. In the few days I've been with you, I've begun to feel like I can move on." He paused and spun her in time with the soft music. "Thank you."

"It's the least I could do. You needed a friend."

"And you've been a good friend…" He stumbled slightly. "But I think that's all we're going to be this time around. We've both changed, we've both moved on…"

She gave him a questioning look.

"I saw you with Chakotay in the garden."

She stiffened, accidentally stepping on his toe. "What-"

Mark shook his head, interrupting her question. "He loves you, Kath - more than I ever could. Don't waste that opportunity." Mark pulled her chin up with his finger, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

She studied his face, noticing the wrinkles he had collected throughout the years. She stared into his blue eyes, so unlike Chakotay's. She smiled genuinely, squeezing his shoulder. "I think you're right. Mark…thank you."

He held her hands between his own and kissed her cheek as the song ended. "Go tell him how you feel." His eyes sparkled with amusement as he playfully slapped her shoulder. "Oh, and don't forget to invite me to the wedding." He turned and walked out of the room without looking back.

She stood alone on the dance floor. _A wedding…with Chakotay? _

Making up her mind, Kathryn straightened her shoulders and strode confidently to the side of the room. She would find Chakotay and tell him how she felt. She would apologize for walking away, and then she would kiss him with such fiery passion he wouldn't know what hit him. With a new purpose, Kathryn set off in search of a certain commander.

She moved around the room looking for him, but was soon stopped by Harry.

"Harry." She hugged him briefly. "Congratulations on your promotion."

His face glowed with happiness. "Thank you, Captain. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if you were the one to present it to me." He looked at her, wanting an explanation.

"And I wanted to be that person, but current circumstances wouldn't allow for it. You understand?"

He looked puzzled, but nodded. "I understand. What are you going to do now?"

She smiled, wondering the same thing. "I think I'm going to take a vacation. Travel the world - maybe some painting classes. I think Rome would be a good place, don't you?"

He laughed. "Captain, if anyone deserves a vacation, it's you."

Kathryn put her hand on his shoulder. "Harry, I'm not your captain anymore. I'm not even in Starfleet. Please, call me Kathryn."

"I'll try, but don't be surprised if I slip up a few times."

She chuckled. "All right, I'll keep that in mind. By the way, have you seen Chakotay? I need to talk to him."

"Uh, yeah, I saw him leave with Seven a few minutes ago."

Her heart sank. "Thanks, Harry. I think I'll go find my mom."

* * *

Chakotay remained on the bench for a while after Kathryn left. He was thoroughly confused by her outburst. It was so unlike her, so…foreign. She rarely lost it like that, but then, she seldom lost it at all.

He played through the exchange in his head, going over every detail, trying to pinpoint the cause of her odd behavior. There was one phrase that stuck out at him the most. "They gave me that ridiculous award and asked me to resign - no, demanded I resign."

His eyes widened as he caught on. Starfleet told her to resign. He studied the willow tree, mulling it over in his mind. _She wouldn't agree to something so outrageous unless…the Maquis. _

"Damn Starfleet." He stood up and started pacing. Her lack of surprise when they announced the pardon, the way she looked so empty during the awards, her blow up…it all made sense to him now. She gave up a lot to get the crew home and now she was giving up even more for them.

Chakotay kicked at the stones on the path. She was always putting herself last, never thinking about the consequences of her choices. He clenched his fists, wanting to hit something for the second time that night. She drove him crazy. Sometimes he thought she was undeniably insane. But there was no doubt in his mind that he loved her.

He found himself going back to her reaction to his declaration of affection. The way she had left made no sense. She had just yelled at him, saying it was her turn now. Wasn't finally trying the relationship they had put on hold for the last seven years putting herself first?

He thought about all the things she had given throughout their journey, all the times she'd put the crew's needs before her own. The instances were many - many more than the times she heeded her own needs. She had spent every moment of the last seven years making sure the crew was happy. She wasn't going to be able to change in an instant.

Admitting she needed to put herself first was only the first step in the process.

He shook his head as he thought about his behavior since they had arrived home. He hadn't been there for her at all. He had been overwhelmed with the emotions of finally getting to Earth…and with Seven. He knew this transition would be difficult for Kathryn and he let her go through it on her own.

He sat back down on the bench, putting his head in his hands. Expecting her to automatically swoon at his declaration of love was unfair. Of late he hadn't been the friend she needed and it would take her time to realize it was okay to allow herself to feel again. It was a process - one Chakotay hoped wouldn't take too long, but even if it did he would wait for her, just like he had for most of the last seven years.

Knowing what he needed to do, he sprung up from the bench. He marched back to the ballroom. Locating Seven in a back corner talking with the Doctor and Reg Barclay, he walked over. "Seven, would you join me outside? I need to talk to you about something."

"Of course, Commander."

They excused themselves and made their way to the door.

"I'm glad you came over. There is something I need to talk to you about as well, and it is not a suitable topic for a large group."

Pulling Seven down a different path than the one he and Kathryn had walked down earlier, Chakotay found a secluded bench hidden by a large bush. Chakotay tugged on his ear and tried to begin. "Seven, you're a great person, but I-"

"You love Captain Janeway. It is clear to me now. Seeing the way you looked at her after we danced, I came to the conclusion that it is best we terminate our relationship at this time. You will be free to pursue the captain, and I will have the chance to find someone who will look at me like that."

She rose to leave, but Chakotay stopped her. Pulling her into a gentle hug, he held her like a father would hold a child. "Thank you," he whispered. "You've grown so much, Seven."

She nodded and left.

He remained there, stunned and alone - again.

He'd known the relationship with Seven needed to end, but having Seven take the first step and so bluntly state the reason why was…both disconcerting and a relief.

Chakotay remained at the bench for a while longer, just listening to the stream trickling by and the crickets chirping. It was soothing. He took deep breaths, filling his lungs to their full capacity. His mind was sifting through all the ways he could become involved in Kathryn's life on Earth. Having finally formed a plan, he dozed off.

"What have you done?"

The voice was sharp and pierced through his bubble of peace. Opening his eyes, he glanced in the direction of the voice. Standing in front of him was a small woman with white hair and shocking blue eyes. Her look was fierce and determined. He recognized her as the woman sitting next to Kathryn during the program.

"You must be Gretchen. I've heard so much about you." He held out his hand.

She ignored him. "You may call me Mrs. Janeway." She took a step toward him so they were standing toe to toe. "I finally convince her to find you and you upset her like that? Now, she's left the party - _her _party. I'll ask again, what did you do?"

Still a little groggy from his short nap, Chakotay scratched his head. "S-she left? Kathryn left?"

Gretchen stared at him. "She made you Commander? I was expecting someone more…intelligent. At least your good looks make up for your lack of words. Yes, she left. One moment she's on her way to figure out what she wants - to find you. Then, I turn around and she's tapping me on the shoulder telling me she's leaving for the night. Protocol has been taken care of, thank heavens, but it's still her party that she left. You'd think she stay for the after celebration she spent forever pulling strings to have on _Voyager_, but no. She just left.

"_What did you do?_"

"I…" Unsure of where to begin, Chakotay looked at his feet. There was no way this feisty elderly woman knew the extent and complications of their relationship. "Mrs. Janeway, I love your daughter."

Her face broke into a smile. "In that case, call me Gretchen. Why don't we go for a little walk and you can tell me the story from the beginning?"

He stood obediently, took her arm, and led the way down the path.

"It all started when Kathryn defended Tom Paris…"


	9. Chapter 8

Chakotay and Gretchen walked for a little over an hour. Neither of them noticed when everyone transported aboard _Voyager _and left them alone in the quiet gardens.

He told her about his relationship with Kathryn - the good and the bad. Never really understanding the situation fully himself, he tried his best help the older woman realize the complicated feelings and emotions involved. It felt good to finally tell someone about it, other than his spirit guide.

Gretchen's arm rested in the crook of his elbow as she walked beside him. She smiled and laughed at the appropriate places and offered sympathy and a comforting pat at exactly the right moments.

"Tonight, I told Kathryn how I feel…and she walked away."

"Oh, Chakotay." Gretchen smiled and laid her hand on his chest. It was a gesture so familiar to him it almost brought tears to his eyes. "She can be so stubborn sometimes."

He nodded and continued. "I know I wasn't there for her much towards the end of our journey, but I want to make it right." Chakotay knew his voice sounded pleading, but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was hold his best friend - the love of his life - in his arms and tell her he loved her.

"You will. She just needs time. Even though she won't admit it, she's struggling. Coming home has been hard for her. She puts on a face for the rest of us, but when she's alone… She's very lucky to have a man like you. Hopefully she'll realize it soon."

She stopped walking and looked him straight in the eye. "I may be old, but I'm not blind. She loves you. She may hide behind her parameters and her captain's mask, but she loves you. And I hope one day she'll tell you herself."

"I hope so too."

Gretchen patted his arm, her bright eyes shining. "Thank you for telling me, Chakotay. You're a good man." She covered her mouth as she yawned. "It's time for me to head home. Go join the rest of the party. Let the crew know Kathryn wishes she could be there, but something came up. I'll check on her and let you know how she's doing tomorrow.

Chakotay smiled. "Thank you for listening. Goodbye, Gretchen."

She waved and left the courtyard.

* * *

As Gretchen made her way home, she thought about everything Chakotay had told her. New Earth certainly sounded like an adventure. She laughed silently. Only Kathryn would be so focused on her work that she wouldn't notice a man's advances until the end of their stay. Only Kathryn would tell him that they needed to define parameters about their relationship.

Gretchen reached the house and was surprised when she didn't see any lights. She turned the knob and stepped inside. Kathryn's room was at the back of the house; it was possible that she was already in bed.

Sliding off her shoes, Gretchen made her way to the kitchen. She set her purse on the counter, knocking a PADD to the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, she noticed her name written across the top. Not knowing where it had come from, she made a mental note to look at it in the morning and placed it on the countertop. On the way to the couch, she stopped at the replicator and replicated some coffee. She sat down and folded her legs underneath her. Needing to come up with a way to confront Kathryn, she gripped the mug and inhaled the bitter scent, hoping it would help clear her mind. She closed her eyes and tried to make sense of Kathryn's reaction to Chakotay's advances.

Since Kathryn learned to speak, she had talked of becoming a starship captain. She wanted to be like her father, and he encouraged her, calling her his Golden Bird, pushing her to always be the best. Gretchen loved the relationship between her husband and their daughter, but she wished Edward would have instilled a desire for a family within her as well.

The fact that Kathryn had gone seven years without doing anything about her attraction for Chakotay showed her determination to be the best captain she could. Gretchen shook her head. That wasn't it. Yes, Kathryn wanted to be a good captain, but there was something else that stopped her from acting on the feelings she had for her first officer. Not sure what the reason was, Gretchen decided to add that to her list of things to talk to Kathryn about in the morning.

Gretchen took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee. She grimaced and put the cup down. For some reason, it didn't taste as good as usual. Getting up, she walked back to the kitchen and recycled the mug. Maybe it was the coffee or that Kathryn hadn't come downstairs yet, but Gretchen couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Trying to dismiss her foolish worries, she walked up the stairs and proceeded to her bedroom. On the way, she passed Kathryn's door. She thought about knocking, but decided against it, in case Kathryn was already asleep. If she was still as light of sleeper now as she had been as a child the sound was likely to wake her up. Their talk could wait until morning. Both of them needed sleep and Gretchen wanted some more time to think about what she had learned from Chakotay.

She walked to her dresser and pulled out a nightgown. Threadbare and definitely no longer in fashion, the gown was one Edward had given her for her birthday a few months before he died. Hugging the light purple fabric to her body, an image of her husband filled her mind.

She missed him.

Undressing slowly, she thought about her elder daughter and how she was missing out on the most important part of life. She shuddered as she imagined her own life without the man of her dreams, without her children and her granddaughter. It was not a life she wanted to consider.

She pulled the nightgown over her head, feeling comfort as it slid over her shoulders. Even after all this time, it smelled like him - at least she liked to think it did.

Lying down, Gretchen pulled the covers up and began her nightly conversation with her beloved husband. She had a lot she needed to tell him, and at a time like this, she needed his counsel.

* * *

Back on Voyager, Chakotay walked through the familiar halls on the way to the party in the holodeck. In his mind he saw everyone going about their business like it was an ordinary day in the Delta Quadrant. He passed ensigns busily walking to and from their stations, crewmen carrying reports, Naomi and Icheb putting together a puzzle in the mess hall. He sighed and tried to suppress his melancholy mood.

The people on _Voyager _were his family, and he was going to miss them.

Ahead, he thought he saw a familiar form in blue disappear around the next bend. Without much thought, he increased his pace and followed. He turned the corner in time to see a flash of auburn hair disappear into the turbolift. Cursing, he rushed toward the lift. Skidding to a halt in front of the closed doors, he hit the panel next to him. It was Kathryn; he knew it and he needed to talk to her.

The lift returned a few minutes later and Chakotay stepped inside. He ordered the computer to return to the previous destination and drummed his fingers on his leg. The doors opened to reveal the familiar sight of the bridge. Stepping out, he glanced around. He half expected Kathryn to be sitting in her chair ordering Tom to set a course. But she wasn't there. Thinking he had imagined the whole thing, Chakotay turned and made his way back to the turbolift. Stopping mid-stride, he decided to check the ready room. The doors swished open, and there she sat, looking completely relaxed at her desk, studying a PADD.

"Kathryn?"

She raised her eyes slowly to look at him. "Yes, Commander?"

"What are you doing here? Your mom said you had gone home."

"I did go home, but then I realized there's something I need to take care of before I leave." Her face was expressionless - except for her eyes. They showed resolve, and something else he couldn't name.

"And what is that?"

She smiled, just a little, and rose. Taking a step forward, hesitantly at first then more firm, she raised her hands hovering a little above her chest. With one more step she was close enough that the velvet musk of her perfume overwhelmed his senses.

Her right hand rested on his shoulder while she leaned in and brushed his lips with her own. He stiffened at first, not sure how she wanted him to react. After a moment, he relaxed and returned the kiss. Pulling back, he stared into her blue-gray eyes. He felt her hand move slowly from his shoulder to hold his face. She smiled that lovely crooked smile and kissed his cheek. His breath quickened as her hand glided across his chest. Taking her hand, he pulled her toward him, wanting to be as close to her as possible. Again, their lips met. His hands weaved into her hair, completely spoiling her once elegant bun. She caressed his face, while he tasted her soft lips.

Breathless, he pulled back. "Kathryn." He reached for her hands and kissed the tips of her delicate fingers.

Stepping away, she brushed the hair away from his forehead. "Yes, Chakotay?" Her fingers began to trace the lines of his tattoo.

He blinked several times, unsure how to voice what he was feeling.

"I love you."

He saw her eyes water and felt her hands tremble. Almost too quiet to be heard, she murmured, "I love you, too."

He stepped forward, planning on continuing where they had left off, but Kathryn help up her hand to stop him. "Chakotay," she said in her unique way of saying his name. "I can't do this, not now. I - I just wanted you to know how I felt before I left. I have to do this by myself before I can do it with someone else." Her eyes were wet and more blue than he had ever seen them before. "Please understand."

He merely stared at her, not quite comprehending her words. He wanted to reach out and grab her - to hold her close and show her exactly how much he loved her.

"Janeway alpha pi 458."

Chakotay watched horrified, as the familiar blue light engulfed her, leaving nothing but the indent of her feet on the carpet.

He stood alone, for the third time that evening.

Shaking himself, he left the ready room. He walked in a trance, uncertain about what had just happened. Taking the long way to the holodeck allowed him time to compose himself before joining the party. Taking a breath, Chakotay entered the holodeck. Looking around, he saw Tom approaching with B'Elannna close behind.

"Commander, where have you been? And where's the captain?"

Chakotay tried to answer, but the words stuck in his throat.

B'Elanna stepped forward and briefly touched his arm, worry showing on her face. "Chakotay, are you all right?"

He cleared his throat and forced the words out. "Oh yes, of course. Kathryn had a family emergency and won't be able to attend. She told me to let you all know she's sorry. I was just seeing her…off."

Tom accepted the answer with a nod of his head. "Well, join the celebration. This is where the real party is. If you'll excuse me." He went to join Harry sitting at a table with Owen.

Lost in thought, Chakotay made his way over to the bar in the corner and got himself a drink. He stood in the shadows, contemplating what had happened in the ready room. It was a few moments later that he realized B'Elanna was standing next to him.

"You were sending her off, huh?" She smiled mischievously. "I guess that would account for the lipstick on your chin."

He reached up quickly to wipe it away, upset that he had been discovered. "I thought it was a dream, but I guess that means it really did happen."

B'Elanna chuckled. "Yep, there's your proof. What happened, Chakotay? Why isn't the captain here?"

Not wanting to divulge his or Kathryn's personal lives, he didn't know how to answer. "I really don't know. She just…left."

_Again._

"Come on, Chakotay." She elbowed him in the side. "We've know each other for years. You can tell me."

"Honestly, I don't know. It all happened so fast."

"Well, you two are meant for each other. I've know it for years. Everyone has known it for years…except you guys."

Chakotay turned away, not wanting her to see his distress. "I think I'm going to head home."

"But you just arrived." Her voice sounded shocked.

"I know, but I made the necessary appearance. I think I'm going to go home and go to bed."

"Chakotay." She tried to comfort him. "Whatever happened between the two of you, I'm sure it will work out."

He nodded. "Have a good night, B'Elanna. Give Miral a hug for me."

Leaving _Voyager _for the last time, he said a final goodbye to the faithful ship and went to his Starfleet-assigned quarters to try and get some sleep and await the call Gretchen had promised him.


	10. Chapter 9

Gretchen awoke the next morning to a very quiet house. She tugged the covers off and swung her legs over the edge of her bed. She grabbed the soft robe that she kept hanging on the bed post and wrapped it around herself. Stepping on the plushy carpet, she stiffly hobbled to the door. Crossing the hall, Gretchen turned the knob on Kathryn's door. Hesitantly, she inched the door forward, flinching when it creaked. She stepped in and almost cried out when she looked at the bed.

It was empty. The sheets and comforter were pulled tightly across the mattress without a single crease. Gretchen rushed to the closet and flung open the doors. The shelves and racks were bare.

Gretchen quickly sat on the bed. She lay back and rested her head on the pillow. Her head was throbbing. _Why didn't you check on her last night? You're her mother. It _is _okay for you to look in on your children, even if they're full grown. _She couldn't just lie there. She needed to do something. Sitting up suddenly, she shot across the room and scrambled down the stairs as fast as her aging legs would allow.

Once in the kitchen, she frantically looked around for the mysterious PADD she had seen the night before. Spotting it by her purse, she snatched the device off the counter and sat down at the kitchen table. Her heart was pounding as she waited for it to turn on. _Please, let it be from my Kates. I can't lose her again. _

Finally, Kathryn's face filled the screen.

"Hey, Mom. I know you're probably worried, but don't be." She was smiling slightly, her hair still in the bun she had done it in for the party.

"I'm back on _Voyager, _at the moment." She gestured to the room around her. "This is my ready room, the room where I spent most of my time…and drank _way _too much coffee. See that replicator over there?" The screen zoomed in on the far wall. "It hates me and so does the one in my quarters. I'm pretty sure there's a conspiracy going on."

The view shifted once again and focused on Kathryn's face. Gretchen was astounded by the way Kathryn's whole countenance changed when she talked about her ship.

"One day, I'll bring you here and tell you all the stories. It will be a long visit, but you won't mind, right? I came back tonight to say goodbye, more to the ship than the crew. Is that bad? I'll see them all again, but the next time I see _Voyager, _I'm sure she'll have been refitted or decommissioned." Her face fell. "I hope she'll still be around. That way, I'll be able to give you your own personal tour.

"You probably want to know why I left. I had a moment of clarity and I was afraid if I didn't act on it right at that moment I wouldn't be able to follow through. So I left."

She leaned forward and placed her hands on the desk. "I know you're probably angry at me for going without more of an explanation - I know I would be if I were you. Actually, if one of my crew did this, I'd be pretty upset." Her lips quirked into a half smile. "In fact, once they got back, the brig would be their next destination." Kathryn looked directly into the screen, her face suddenly serious. "I want you to know that I'm fine. I've decided to go on a vacation, far away from…everything."

Gretchen paused the playback and placed her head in her hands. It was so like Kathryn to decide she needed to do everything by herself. Even though she said she was fine, Gretchen still worried. Normally, she wouldn't be so concerned about her daughter - after all, she was a full grown woman - but after learning about some of her habits and rough spots on _Voyager, _Gretchen wanted to make sure nothing of the same sort was happening now.

Taking a deep breath, Gretchen resumed playback.

"After I left the party, I went home. It took only a little soul searching for me to realize what I needed to do. Now, I'm here in my ready room recording this while waiting for Chakotay to come to the ship. I wonder why he didn't come aboard with everyone else." She paused, raising an eyebrow slightly. "You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you, Mother? I don't mind, actually. I really hope you two get along.

"I'm waiting for him to finally make his appearance, then I'll go find him. Don't worry, Mom. I know what I need to do. I love him. And if you're the reason he's not on the ship yet, you know it too. After I talk with him, I'll be going away. Far away. I won't be gone long. I have to be back in a week for debriefings. And there's Abby's birthday party. I wouldn't miss that for the world."

"Commander Chakotay in now on board." The flat voice of the computer interrupted.

"Oh, I've got to go. Thanks for everything. I love you, Mom. See you in a week."

Kathryn kissed her finger tips and placed them and the screen as her image faded away.

* * *

Chakotay got home from the party and immediately went to bed. He didn't want to think about the last few hours. It had been an eventful night, to say the least. Being dumped by Seven and having Kathryn leave him twice was more than enough for one evening and he didn't want to dwell on it.

He slept fitfully and Kathryn kept entering his dreams. He woke many times, breathing hard with the sheets tangled around him. At about seven he rolled out of bed, tired and groggy. A sonic shower, raspberry tea with a lemon muffin, and a book couldn't distract him from constantly checking the clock, anxious for Gretchen to call. He wanted to know how Kathryn was and what she meant about leaving. She wasn't in Starfleet anymore and even if she was, they wouldn't be sending her back into space so soon.

He tried to contact his spirit guide, but his thoughts kept wandering. Eventually, he gave up and decided to go for a run.

He changed into his gear and set off. He ran to the grounds of Starfleet and jogged on the paths weaving through the gardens. He watched as Academy students went to their classes, carefree and unaware of the dangers they would face in life.

His feet pounded the ground in a steady rhythm. His breath came faster, but he pushed on, forcing his body to obey. Unsure of how much time had passed, he eventually made his way back to his quarters. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he spotted a person sitting on his porch. Lengthening his stride, he reached the doorstep. Her eyes worried, the white haired woman looked up as he approached.

"Gretchen, I thought you were going to call. Is everything all right?" His imagination began to come up with all the worst possible scenarios to explain why the small woman was now sitting on his porch.

"I did. You didn't answer."

"I went running."

"I can see that."

"Here, come inside." He pushed the door open and stepped back so she could enter. "What's going on? Is Kathryn okay?"

"Yes and no. She left last night. She didn't sleep at my house."

Kathryn's words from the night before suddenly made sense. "She told me she was leaving."

"What? Why didn't you stop her?"

"It didn't make sense. I was overwhelmed…and a little preoccupied."

Her eyebrows flew into her hair line. "Preoccupied? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Gretchen placed her hands on her hips and looked at him, obviously irritated. "What happened last night? Start from the beginning."

"I left you and went to the ship. While I was walking to the holodeck, she found me. I joined her in the ready room. We kissed. That's it. She said she loved me and mentioned leaving, but I didn't understand. Then she transported away. That's all."

"She transported away. Tell me, _Commander, _being the great first officer you are and after living on a starship for seven years, did you even think about finding out where the transport went?" Her voice was like steel, but it was her face that unnerved Chakotay the most. Her eyes were hard her lips pursed into a line. It was a look that could, quite possibly, beat Kathryn's glare.

He sat down on the gray couch. "No…I didn't."

The angry woman sat down next to him and crossed her legs. "Remind me again why she made you First Officer?"

"Gretchen, I really am sorry. It was a hard night." He faced her and looked into her eyes. "I know it's just an excuse, but I honestly don't know why I didn't think of it at the time."

She seemed to deflate a little. "No, I'm the one who's sorry. I'm just worried. I knew something was wrong last night, but I didn't check on her." She leaned over and rested her elbows on her knees. "What are we going to do?"

* * *

Kathryn woke feeling more rested and refreshed than she had in a long time. The rays of sunshine filtering through her window made her smile. She stretched in her bed and threw off the covers. It was a beautiful day and she planned to spend it on the waterfront reading.

She gathered a bag with her supplies, including a couple of books, a towel, a rather large thermos of coffee, a small breakfast, and a comfortable lawn chair. She left the small cottage she was renting, looking back to study the small house. It had red brick and white trimming, with a small garden out front and a large tree for shade. It was perfect for what Kathryn wanted.

Making her way down the cobbled street, she passed small shops and boutiques. The colorful cloth and exotic beads called to her. A day shopping was definitely a must for her little trip; her wardrobe certainly could use some updating after wearing almost nothing but her uniform for seven years.

Once at the shore, she unfolded her small chair and lay back. She rummaged through her bag, finding the much sought after thermos. Taking a large swallow, she resumed her search through the bag, grabbing a book at random. It was a thought book, one Chakotay had given her for her birthday. Being the busy captain she was, she had never gotten around to reading it. Opening it up, she leafed through the pages, noticing it contained simple thoughts and quotes. All were arranged according to theme. She closed the book and randomly opened to a page.

Groaning, she read the subject: _The Truth about Love. _She took a sip of her coffee and read the first one on the page.

_If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Unknown_

She snorted, spewing coffee out her nose. She reached for her towel and dried herself off. Dabbing the book dry, she opened it again and continued reading.


	11. Chapter 10

Gretchen paced back and forth across the kitchen. Her bare feet padded across the cold tile. Twelve steps to the oven. Pivot. Twelve steps past the counter and cupboards, arriving at the table. Pivot. Again and again, she repeated her rounds. It wasn't helping. She needed to _do _something. Twelve more steps. The clock on the wall ticked with each passing second. Pivot. Despite Kathryn's reassurance that all was fine, Gretchen still worried. Eleven, twelve. So did Chakotay. Pivot.

She stopped, only to resume walking a few seconds later, but this time she didn't turn around at the kitchen table. She left the kitchen entirely. She walked through the hall, passed the pictures of Phoebe's wedding, and entered the living room.

Gretchen sat down on the love seat and looked at the man sleeping on her couch. Dark, mysterious, rebellious - and yet calm, reserved, and kind. It was an unusual mixture.

The past couple of days had been hard on him. Together, they had done all they could think of to discover Kathryn's whereabouts. They had contacted Admiral Paris and tried to locate the transport. They had brought in B'Elanna, Harry, and even Seven to help decrypt the location.

Gretchen grinned, holding back a chuckle as she remembered the encounter between the former couple. Awkward and forced was the only way to describe it, but they had survived.

Even with the help of their friends, they were unable to find out where the transport had gone. Whatever Kathryn had done was good. Good enough to foil Maquis, Borg, and Starfleet.

After giving up on the transport, they moved on to other ways of trying to locate Kathryn. She obviously didn't have her comm. badge so they decided to look in places she enjoyed spending her vacation time while on earth, but after all their searching they were no closer to finding her than they had been the night she disappeared.

Again, Gretchen looked at the man sleeping on her couch. He was a big man, and his feet hung off the edge, poking out from beneath his blanket.

Gallivanting across Earth in search of Kathryn with no success had taken its toll on the poor man. They had gotten to Gretchen's house very late the night before so she had grabbed a blanket from the laundry room, intending to take it upstairs to the guest bedroom. Instead, Chakotay took the blanket from her and fell onto the couch, immediately asleep.

She reached down and tugged the fabric over his toes. He couldn't sleep on the couch until Kathryn got back and he certainly couldn't return to the drab and uninviting quarters Starfleet had given him.

He'd stay with her.

She smiled and walked out the room with her hands on her hips, satisfied with her decision.

She opened the linen closet and reached for a clean set of sheets and a comforter. Her arms full, she carried the linens to the guest room and began making the bed. Once she was done, she returned to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

Twenty minutes later the table was set. Hotcakes with blueberry syrup sat in the middle of the table. Only the coffee was missing. Gretchen turned to check the pot and saw a very disheveled Chakotay pop his head into the kitchen.

"There you are. I was going to come wake you up soon." She indicated to the table. "Other than the coffee, breakfast is all ready."

"That's fine. I'm not a big coffee person, but I take it you are."

"Oh, yes. Where do you think Kathryn got that trait? Her father?" Gretchen laughed and shook her head. "If I remember correctly, Kathryn mentioned you're more of a tea person."

Chakotay chuckled. "Yes, that I am. Do you mind if I replicate some?"

"No, not at all."

Gretchen finished the coffee, complete with one sugar and a tad of cream. Kathryn may have gotten her coffee addiction from her mother, but Gretchen wasn't sure where she had gotten the taste for black coffee. Just thinking about drinking it like that made Gretchen gag. She served Chakotay the hotcakes, then sat down.

"Listen, Gretchen. I appreciate your hospitality, but I think I'm going to go back to my apartment."

"Nonsense. You can stay here. I have plenty of room." She shook her head, biting back a laugh. The conversation was familiar. _Well, at least they're both stubborn. _

"I don't want to impose. I'll just get my things and leave. After I eat this...where is that?" he demanded, pointing at a picture hanging near the table.

"That?" Gretchen stood and took the battered frame off the wall. She touched her two young daughter's faces, admiring how happy and carefree they looked with the lake behind them. "That's Lake George."

Chakotay shot from his chair. "That's where she is." He took the frame from Gretchen and pointed at the nine-year-old Kathryn. "That's where she is. Come on, we've got to go. Do you guys have property down there? Somewhere she would go?"

"An old family friend does. We haven't been there in ages. Are you sure?" She looked at Chakotay, seeing the longing is his eyes. "How do you know she's there, Chakotay?"

"We went there once. Just the two of us on the holodeck…after she almost died…in my arms."

Gretchen took the picture from him and hung it back on the wall. "Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go get her. I sure hope she isn't dying, but I'd love to see her in your arms."

Noticing his bare feet, she changed her mind. "On second thought, Chakotay I think you should go get ready. Going to Lake George in you night clothes could be fun, but I'd recommend changing."

* * *

Chakotay went to the bathroom and took a quick sonic shower. Then he replicated himself a t-shirt and some jeans. He quickly combed his hair and slipped on his shoes. He wanted to get to Lake George as soon as possible. That's where she was. He knew it. It was the most logical place she would go.

All of their searching had resulted in failure and it had dampened his mood. He should had been happy they were finally home safe, but he couldn't help wishing they were still on _Voyager_. At least there he always knew where Kathryn was, even if she was ticking him off.

He left the bathroom and joined Gretchen in the living room. "I'm all ready now. Showered, dressed, and hair combed."

Gretchen chuckled. "Good, good. Yes, you're much more presentable now. I called my friend, but didn't get an answer. I think we should just stop by and see if she's there."

The two left the house together and made their way to the transporter station. They chatted while they walked. Their words were light, but on the inside Chakotay was anxious. He couldn't help but wonder if Lake George really was her chosen vacation spot. If he was wrong, he had no idea where to look next.

They transported to the lake and Gretchen led the way to the property of her friend.

"Chakotay, if you don't mind my asking, why didn't you tell me about Lake George before?"

He shrugged, a little embarrassed. "It's special. It was the first time she really opened up to me again after we were stranded on New Earth. We still talked. We were still friends, but that night the old spark was back like never before."

"I see. I hope we find her. You both deserve happiness. Ah, here we are." She walked toward a small house. "Kathryn always loved this place. Especially the garden. She tries to hide it, but underneath that science brain of hers she loves nature."

They reached the front door and rang the bell. No one answered. They rang again, but with the same result. Chakotay tried to peer in the window, but he couldn't make anything out.

Gretchen patted his shoulder. "If she's here, she's not home at the moment. Let's go check by the lake."

He nodded and let the older woman lead him away from the house.

* * *

Kathryn had spent the entire day walking around town shopping. Her feet hurt from all the walking. She'd gotten herself new clothes, makeup, jewelry, shoes, and a few other things. It felt good.

She returned home as the sun was setting. Entering the little house, she made the call to have her things transported over. There was no way she could have carried all of her bags and the overstuffed chair all the way back herself.

In a few moments, she saw the blue shimmer in the living room. Walking into the room she inspected the bags making sure everything was there. Last she checked her newest piece of furniture. Buying a chair wasn't the smartest idea since she didn't have her own house, but she had fallen in love with the chair the moment she saw it sitting in the store window. The deep burnt red color was so warm and welcoming. The cushion was huge and when she sat in it the first time she sunk into the seat. It felt like a hug. Perfect to curl up in and read with a large mug of coffee.

It was getting late, but Kathryn didn't care. She had to try out the new chair before she even thought about going to bed.

She made herself a cup of coffee and settled down in the chair. She pulled a light blanket over her legs and reached for the book Chakotay had given her. She had started at the beginning and was now almost finished. Taking a quick sip, she opened to the bookmarked page and continued to read.


	12. Chapter 11

AN: For my intents and purposes, Shattered happened a few days after KJ's birthday.

* * *

Gretchen and Chakotay spent the majority of the day exploring the lake and nearby shops in search of Kathryn. The hour for dinner came and passed without any success. Discouraged and tired, the pair returned to Gretchen's house. Chakotay went to the living room while the older woman went to the kitchen to start a very late dinner. Chakotay thought he heard her mutter something about baked potatoes, but wasn't sure. He wasn't hungry. He didn't care.

Kathryn.

Where could she have gone? Lake George was large, but she couldn't hide there forever. He was sure they would find here there, but now he was second guessing himself. It was a very logical place for her to go - sentimental as well. She had always talked of the shimmering lake and her fond memories there.

But then, Kathryn didn't always act logically.

Even if they didn't find her, they had debriefings in just a few days. He wondered if she would make it back for them. She was required to attend, even though she was no longer in Starfleet.

Chakotay sat on the couch in the now-familiar living room. He felt alone and defeated. He wanted to see her. He wanted to hold her. But, like all of their years together on Voyager, she made it impossible. Before, it was being close, but not too close. She would let him in, then push him away just as he began to get through to her. There were times in their journey when he wished she would leave him alone. There were sleepless nights when he hoped she would stop playing with his emotions. But now that she was really gone, no longer in his day to-day-life, he longed for the time they had together on _Voyager. _He could live with that, just as he had for seven years.

He remained sitting for a long time. He wasn't quite sure how long. Just staring at the wall. Thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. It was a while later when Gretchen entered the living room and slowly lowered herself into the seat next to him.

"Dinner is ready…and my friend who has the property at Lake George left a message while we were gone."

He perked up at her words, excitement and hope feeling him once again, but Gretchen's discouraged face caused that hope to flee in a matter of seconds.

He stood and followed Gretchen into the kitchen. The scent of potato floated around the room. Normally, the smell of a good meal would have brightened his mood, but that evening Chakotay wasn't able to appreciate it. His heart pounded in his chest and his eyes felt gritty.

"My friend Beth, called. Kathryn isn't at her property. Her family is actually staying there right now. They were out on the lake all day." Her voice cracked. "I - I don't know where to look next. She has to be somewhere."

Suddenly, Chakotay felt very childish. Here he was, wallowing in his own self-pity because he was separated from Kathryn for the first time in seven years, while Gretchen sat across from him, seeing her daughter for the first time in seven years a few days ago, only to lose her again.

He reached across the table and patted Gretchen's hand, wanting to offer comfort, but not sure how. "It'll be all right, Gretchen. She's a strong woman. She'll be fine wherever she is. And we have debriefings. She'll be back soon."

Gretchen attempted a smile, her eyes glistening. "Yes, you're right. She'll be back. She's a Starfleet officer…well, at least, she used to be." She wiped the few tears sliding down her cheeks away. "You'll have to forgive me. I'm getting old and the tear ducts are a little more leaky than they used to be - especially when it comes to Kathryn."

Chakotay let out a little laugh. "Completely understandable. She's a very special person." He glanced down, not wanting to show how he really felt.

"By the way, Gretchen, this dinner is delicious." He said it to be nice, to offer a little comfort. The food tasted like cardboard to him. Not because it wasn't cooked well, but because he wasn't hungry. He hadn't really been hungry since they left _Voyager_.

"Oh, thanks. It's one of my favorites."

They fell into silence.

The clanking of silverware and the ticking of the clock were the only sounds in the room.

* * *

Gretchen sent Chakotay to bed as soon as he was done eating. He tried to protest and stay to help pick upl, but she forcefully declined. She needed some time to herself. Some time to think. And she always thought best when she was cleaning by hand, the old fashioned way.

In a few minutes, the table was cleared. She then began scrubbing the dishes.

Kathryn would be okay. She was a grown woman. It wasn't like she couldn't take care of herself.

The dishes done, Gretchen moved to cleaning the floor.

For heaven's sake, Kathryn had been thrown into uncharted and unfriendly space and had survived.

Gretchen swept then mopped. She cleaned off the stove and the oven.

Kathryn was completely capable of taking care of herself. Why then, was she so worried?

She emptied the cupboards and washed them out.

Kathryn would be back in just a few days. Then she had debriefings. Gretchen dropped the rag in her hand. _Abby's birthday party. She promised she would be there._

Relaxing a little, Gretchen resumed cleaning. It would be okay. Even if she didn't see Kathryn much when she returned, there was always the party.

She scrubbed viciously at a stubborn stain in one of the cupboards.

Kathryn would be there. She had promised.

* * *

Kathryn's vacation was going quite well. She had been to the beach, gone swimming in the ocean, and relaxed in her garden. Her wardrobe was now up to date with all the new styles and fashions. The books she had brought with her were all finished - except the one from Chakotay.

She had taken a painting class and set up an art studio in a side room of the house. She had finished a painting earlier that day. It was a depiction of the river Chakotay and she had wanted to explore on New Earth. If she was honest with herself, it really wasn't that great of a picture, but its sentimental value was immeasurable.

She set the painting on the fireplace mantel, placing it so she could see it while sitting in her new chair. Putting her hands on her hips, she admired her work. It wasn't as good as one of Phoebe's, but that didn't matter.

It was a nice day outside, so she opened the windows and pulled the drapes aside, bathing her chair in golden light.

Sitting down, she closed her eyes. It was so good to be back. It was a wonderful feeling to just _sit _in a chair - a chair she had bought on a ridiculous whim. The feel of real sunlight on her cheeks was almost magical and serene. She felt free. Free of worry and guilt. She no longer had to constantly worry about a hundred and forty people and their safety. She no longer felt like she had the weight of the Delta Quadrant on her shoulders.

Yes, she had made some bad decisions, she had a few regrets, and she undoubtedly had some guilt issues that needed to be dealt with eventually. But at the moment she felt at peace - at peace with with the person she had become. She was ready to move on with her life, to really live - without Starfleet dictating what she could and couldn't do.

She took Chakotay's quote book off the table next to her chair, rubbing her fingers along the binding. She had read it on and off over the last few days. It was a witty little book that made her laugh, but at the same time it made her sad. Chakotay had given it to her for her birthday months before and she had never gotten around to reading it...until now.

The book wasn't full of long epic poems about love and life. Instead, it was simple and to the point. The quotes inside said it how it was and that was why Kathryn enjoyed it so much. In a way, it was refreshing. Turning to the final page, she read: _Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. - Glenn Beck_

She dropped the book onto her lap as the meaning of the words washed over her.

She was a cynic.

And yet, underneath it all, she was secretly a hopeless romantic, albeit an injured one. Her head fell into her hands and she began rubbing her temples. It was the truth. Losing Justin and Mark had injured her heart in ways she couldn't even begin to explain or understand.

She rose, causing the book to slip to the floor. Bending down to pick it up, she noticed something odd about the inside of the back cover. It was a different color. A closer look led her to see an envelope taped to it. Gently pulling the envelope free, she noticed her name written in a small untidy chicken scratch. Unsure what the envelope contained, she opened it and removed the paper inside. It was a hand written letter, addressed to her… signed by Chakotay.

Kathryn gasped and sat back down. He had written her a letter while on _Voyager _and she hadn't taken the time to read it._ No wonder he seemed so distant after my birthday…after that whole incident with the deflector dish._

She unfolded the letter and carefully read the words.

_Kathryn,_

_I read this book and laughed the whole time. It was hilarious and I thought you might enjoy it too. I figured it would make a great birthday gift - even if it is a belated one._

Kathryn stopped reading for a moment. She could see him laughing while writing the words, his dimples flashing. The thought made her smile. She looked down at the paper again. The writing in the next paragraphs seem cramped and less even. The words were spaced differently…unevenly, like he wasn't sure how to say what he wanted.

_Do you remember when we were just friends, Kathryn?_

_You were my best friend, the first real one I'd had in a long time. I knew I wouldn't be alone because I could always talk to you._

_It didn't take long for me to see something more in our relationship. I knew we were meant for each other. New Earth…that's when I felt it the most. I had the chance to see you as Kathryn, not Captain Janeway. Those six weeks were some of the best in my life._

_But that was years ago, so near the beginning of our journey. We hadn't been through the hardships and the disagreements we have now. We were naïve then, so much in awe of actually being in the Delta Quadrant. Then things happened - the Borg, the Equinox, and the like. We both had flings and other relationships._

_Things between us were never the same after that. I felt alone. We weren't really friends anymore, just coworkers. There had been so many arguments, so many disagreements. It didn't seem possible. After a while, I came to accept it. We couldn't be together. I was mistaken, it wasn't meant to be. You had your parameters and I had my fear of being rejected._

_Something happened yesterday, an experience I can't blow off. It changed all that. I'm breaking the Temporal Prime Directive, but I don't care. I have to get this out. I have to let you know._

_I met you - before you left to capture my ship. You didn't trust me at first, recognizing me as the man you were sent to capture, but eventually you came to realize I was there to help. We worked together to save your ship. It didn't take you long to realize that in my time we were close friends._

_At the end, when your past self and I had to part, you asked me how close we got. I can still hear your distinct voice asking so nonchalantly. I was shocked, completely stunned at the question. My mind automatically went to what could have been all those years ago. I wanted to tell you right then and there how I had felt at one point in our relationship. But I didn't. I told you there were some barriers we never crossed._

_Barriers we never crossed, Kathryn._

_Now I'm coming to realize that despite everything, nothing has changed._

_I love you._

_This strange out of time experience helped me remember. Now I want you so much. I want to be with you always. I don't know what else to say. How did things get this way, Kathryn? I honestly never meant to feel like this, but I really don't want to be alone anymore, not when we're so close._

_What can I do to fix this? I've fallen so hard. I don't know what you said or what I did, but I've fallen in love with you. I can't pretend that I'll be happy with being friends. I need you to know. I don't want to live like this anymore and I really don't want to say goodbye. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Everything has changed. All those years you never knew…I fell in love with you._

_What happens next is up to you. But know, I will always love you._

_Chakotay_

Kathryn closed her eyes, causing stubborn tears to squeeze out from behind her eyelids. They slid down her face, leaving trails of liquid. She didn't bother to wipe them away. It was okay to cry.

She sat in her chair, snuggled into the comfort it offered, and cried. It wasn't a hopeless defeated cry. Her tears fell silently, renewing her resolve and repairing her heart. If only she had read his letter sooner. If she had, the whole fiasco with Seven wouldn't have happened. They could have been together.

But she hadn't read it. And if she had, would she have listened? Kathryn honestly didn't know. On _Voyager _she had been too busy being the captain and nothing else. Could she have been a lover, Kathryn, and the captain when she struggled with just being Kathryn and the captain?

Groaning, she stood and carried the letter to the kitchen. Chakotay probably thought she had blown it off and laughed at his sincerity. It wasn't surprising he found Seven.

She replicated a cup of coffee and reread the letter, studying the words more carefully this time.

Finished, she knew what she had to do. Quickly, she recycled her cup and walked with purpose to her room. Almost frantically, she began packing all of her things. She could go back early. She was basically done here anyway.

A while later, she was ready to go. Everything had been shoved into suitcases and bags. She glanced at the clock. It wasn't late, only 20:00. She could return home immediately, but she really wanted to go on one last walk by the beach. She loved the real sea air. And there was a splendid little coffee shop she needed to visit before she left as well. Then she would leave for Indiana.

* * *

Another AN: Yes, I know that Lake George isn't an ocean. *evil chuckle* And Chak's letter is based off of a song (no surprise there=)) but I'm not going to tell you what it is at the moment. It has inspired a movie so stay tuned for further details. Thanks for reading. =)


	13. Chapter 12

The song used to inspire Chakotay's letter in the previous chapter was_ How Did I Fall In Love With You_ by Backstreet Boys. The video for it can be found on my YouTube channel: TheJesser025. =)

* * *

Tom held Miral in his arms, savoring the rare opportunity to study her while she slept. She was so beautiful. Her fingers, her toes. Everything about her was a miracle.

He looked up as B'Elanna walked into the living room. She was another miracle in his life. Their very relationship was an amazing thing. It was something Tom would cherish all his life. Not only for the beautiful woman he called his wife, but for the change she had caused in him.

He felt himself dozing off. The time since they'd gotten home had been hectic. Miral was a beautiful baby, but she rarely slept.

Blackness pervaded his senses and he felt himself falling into slumber when he felt a tap on his foot.

"Tom, are you listening to me?"

He blinked and tried to focus on B'Elanna. "Hmm?"

She pushed his feet off the couch and sat down next to him. "I'm worried about Chakotay. We haven't seen him for a while and…well, I'm just worried."

Tom nodded. Chakotay was probably having a hard time adjusting to Earth, especially with Kathryn missing.

Without even realizing it, Tom had dozed off again.

"Tom! Did you hear a word I just said?"

"Mmm, yes. You're worried about Chakotay."

B'Elanna sighed. "I want to invite him over for dinner tonight."

Tom sat up. "Um, I forgot to tell you, but I already invited Harry over for dinner tonight." He started rocking Miral to quiet her whimpering.

"That's fine. We'll just have them both over."

Smiling, he relaxed against the couch once again. "Works for me. It is your night to prepare dinner."

B'Elanna growled. "Tom."

Just then Miral's cries pierced the quiet.

"Look what you've done." Tom pointed at B'Elanna. "I had her asleep and now you've ruined it. I was going to catch up on some much needed sleep too."

"Excuse me. Who needs to catch up on sleep? Who's the one who's been up every two hours at night feeding her? Who's the one who carried her and brought her into this world?"

"Okay, okay. You need the sleep more than I do." He continued to rock Miral while keeping his voice quiet. "I'll replicate dinner and get everything ready if you call Chakotay. Sound good?"

"Yes."

"Good. Now go call him and take a nap before our guests get here. We don't want them to see the hormonal side of a sleep deprived Klingon."

B'Elanna huffed and walked out of the room.

* * *

B'Elanna went to the master bedroom and sat down at the computer console.

She really was worried about Chakotay. The look on his face when their search for Kathryn's transport had yielded no results was one of anguish.

He still loved her.

B'Elanna thought back to the times early in their voyage. He'd come talk to her about his troubles. He never mentioned the captain's name of course, but B'Elanna knew who it was. As their journey progressed he stopped coming, so she had assumed he no longer had feelings for Kathryn. But recent events proved otherwise.

"Comptuer call Chakotay-" She stopped as she remembered that he was staying with Gretchen for the time being. "Computer, call Gretchen Janeway."

A few moments later a grandmotherly-looking woman with sparkling blue eyes became visible on the screen.

"Ah yes, you're B'Elanna. What do you need, dear?"

"I'm calling for Chakotay. He told me he would be here. May I speak with him?

"He's moping around in his room. Let me go get him for you. "

"So you haven't found her?

Gretchen shook her head. "No, we haven't. I think we're going to wait for her to come back for debriefings."

B'Elanna sighed. "Ugh. I'm not looking forward to those."

Gretchen smiled and leaned in conspiratorially. "It's all part of being a Starfleet officer, dear. If you don't like it, get out while you can." She winked and her image disappeared from the screen.

B'Elanna chuckled to herself. Kathryn's mother was a piece of work.

"Hey, B'Elanna. It's been a while."

She smiled as she saw the man who had been like a big brother to her for many years. "Yes, it has. Miral misses you."

"She's less than two weeks old. I doubt she really thinks about much of anything."

"I know, but I thought I would give it a try. Anyway, since we haven't seen each other for a while, I figured we would invite you over for dinner tonight. Harry will be there too."

"Are you feeling up to it? You did have a baby not that long ago."

"Of course I'm up to it. I feel wonderful. You'll come, right?"

"I wouldn't miss it. Just don't overwork yourself."

"Oh, I won't. Tom's cooking. 1700?"

He laughed. "Sounds good. See you then."

The screen blinked off and B'Elanna collapsed onto her bed. She really was exhausted. But seeing Chakotay and making sure he was well made the extra stress worth it.

* * *

Chakotay walked up the steps and knocked. The door opened to reveal a slightly disheveled B'Elanna.

"Chakotay, come in. I would give you a hug, but Miral just spit up all over me. Please make yourself comfortable while I go change. Harry will be here any moment."

Chakotay watched as the woman quickly left the room. Sitting down on the couch, he noticed a picture of the senior staff sitting on the coffee table. He picked it up and looked from one crew member to the next. Seeing Kathryn's face was the worst. The pain in his heart ached, but he forced it aside. He was here to have fun.

The bell rang and B'Elanna's voice came from the back of the house. "Chakotay, will you get that?"

He stood and opened the door. "Harry, it's nice to see you."

"You too, Chakotay."

B'Elanna strode into the room. "Good, you're both here. Tom just finished setting the table and Miral is in bed - for now. Maybe we'll actually have some time to ourselves."

"How am I supposed to hold the little girl who misses me if you put her to bed?" Chakotay asked.

"You can hold her _and _change her diaper when she wakes up."

B'Elanna took them to the kitchen where Tom sat at the table looking exhausted.

Harry chuckled. "Tom, you don't look so good. Have you been getting enough sleep?"

"Be quiet, Harry. That girl can scream and she hardly ever sleeps. It's surprising she's actually sleeping right now. "

B'Elanna brought a steaming bowl of spaghetti noodles over to the table. They passed the dish around, each taking what they wanted. The talk around the table was light and happy. They talked about _Voyager_ and the adventures they had in the Delta Quadrant, including Janeway's portrayal of Queen Arachnia.

"You should have seen her, Chakotay. She looked _good _in that outfit."

"Tom!" B'Elanna chided him.

"Erm…I mean as good as my commanding officer can get."

Eventually, Miral woke up and B'Elanna promptly gave her to Chakotay. He left to change her diaper without complaint.

The small child felt good in his arms. She was so perfect. Her eyes opened and her fingers wrapped around his pinky. He stroked her cheek with his other hand and smiled as she reacted to his touch.

It was unfair. He had never had a chance to have a child of his own. Didn't he deserve to be happy? He shook himself inwardly. Now was not the time.

Chakotay reentered the dining area and heard Harry mention Kathryn.

"Yeah, I talked to her the night of the party. She seemed fine to me. Maybe a little tired, but overall fine. I think it's weird we can't find her. When I asked her what she was going to do with all of her free time she mentioned going to Rome."

Suddenly, Chakotay's mind flashed back to a day when he had asked Kathryn the one place she would go as soon as they reached Earth. Her answer had been Rome. How had he forgotten? "Are you sure, Harry?"

"That's what she said."

Chakotay handed the baby to B'Elanna and made his way to the door. "She's in Rome. I can't believe I forgot." He opened the front door and called back, "Thanks, Harry. I'll see you all at debriefings."

He left the house and set off for the transport station.

* * *

Kathryn excitedly left the transport station. She had enjoyed her vacation, but now she was ready to be home, to see her mom, visit with Phoebe, and get to know her niece, Abby.

But most of all she was excited to see Chakotay.

Her hands were shaking and breathing was becoming more and more difficult. What was she going to say? Would he forgive her for leaving? There were so many questions flying around her head that she couldn't think.

Arriving at her mother's doorstep, Kathryn was unsure whether to ring the bell or just walk in.

Deciding it would be best to knock, she rapped her hand against the door. With each knock, the butterflies in her stomach doubled.

The seconds ticked by while she waited for the door to open. Was she making the right decision? Was coming back early the best idea? How would her mom react to finding her on the doorstep?

Finally, the door creaked open to reveal her mother.

"Kates! You're home!"

Kathryn braced herself as her mother barreled toward her, attacking Kathryn with a very tight hug.

Gretchen pulled back and lightly smacked Kathryn's arm. "Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you."

"It's good to see you too, Mom."

"Oh, it is good to see you, I'm just confused. Why did you leave? Chakotay has been out of his mind worrying about you."

"It's a long story. I'll be happy to share it with you sometime."

"I'm your mother, you should - what did you say?

"I'd be happy to share it with you."

"Are you feeling okay? Normally, getting you to explain what's going on inside your head is like pulling teeth. What _did _you do while you were gone?"

Kathryn laughed. "I'd be happy to tell you, but first I would like to see Chakotay. Do you know where he is?"

"Hmm, yes. Tonight, he was having dinner with Tom and B'Elanna."

"I think I'll head over there then. I haven't seen Miral since we got back. Oh, but first, may I transport my luggage here?

"Yes, dear. That's fine."

"Thanks, Mom. Just so you know…you might need to make some room in the living room. Lots of room."

* * *

Arriving at the station, Chakotay asked to be sent to Rome.

She had shown him a picture of a little cottage in Rome that she wanted to buy eventually. He remembered it was a small quaint building with a small garden and unmistakable red brick with white trimming. He felt positive that's where she was, but then he had felt that way about Lake George too.

He sighed and shook his head. He would find the house. If she wasn't there he would give up and wait for debriefings.

Rubbing his head, Chakotay tried to remember the holoimage Kathryn had showed him. It was a small cottage with red brick. She had mentioned it was by the ocean and it was owned by distant relatives.

_Distant relatives._

Gretchen would know where it was. He rushed over to a public computer and called the house.

Impatiently, he waited for Gretchen to answer the call, tapping his fingers on the console.

He was so close this time. She was at the cottage.

After a few moments of no answer, he gave up. He hit the console in frustration and decided to try calling Phoebe.

She answered almost immediately.

"Chakotay, it's nice to see you. Is everything all right?"

He nodded. "Everything is fine. I need to find a house in Rome. The one that Kathryn loves. Do you know the one?"

Phoebe's scrutinizing look made him uncomfortable. "Yes, I know it. Why?"

"That's where Kathryn is."

"I don't mean to be rude and really, I'm ecstatic that Kathryn has found a man that will go to these lengths for her, but if she doesn't want to be found there's a reason."

"I understand. I'm just worried about her."

"She's a grown woman, Chakotay. I would think that you above everyone else would know what she's capable of."

He tugged his ear. "I do know what she's capable of. That's why I'm so worried. Depression is not something she can outrun."

"Ah, that's what you're worried about." Her gaze softened and she smiled. "Let me ask you something. When she got depressed on _Voyager_, what did she do?"

"She stayed in her quarters."

"See. There's your answer. If she was depressed she'd be lying on her bed at my mom's house constantly sleeping. The fact that she has gone somewhere proves that she's okay. Trust me. I dealt with her after dad and Justin died. She wouldn't leave. She wouldn't have the will to leave if she was depressed."

"I hope you're right."

"Oh, I am." Phoebe's face was completely serious. "But, I will tell you where to find the house. Your chasing her down like this might actually help her realize that she's got something special.

"The cottage is owned by our Great Aunt Elizabeth Janeway. It's the only house on Potts Road. You can't miss it."

"Thank you, Phoebe."

"Don't thank me yet. I don't know how she's going to react to your crashing her solitude. Good luck"

"Goodbye."

He looked up Potts Road on the computer. Finding it, he located the cottage. It was quite a ways away from where he currently stood. He thought about asking to be transported there, but discarded the idea quickly. He needed time to organize his thoughts and decide what he was going to say, especially if she wasn't happy to see him.

Finally, he found the road. In the distance, he could see the small house. It looked almost exactly how he remembered from the picture, except that the plants in the garden were larger. The garden itself was beautiful. He understood why Kathryn would seek solitude here.

Growing excited and nervous, he stepped up to the porch. What was he going to say?

He glanced in the window and tugged at his shirt, smoothing the creases. He tried in vain to calm his untidy hair. He certainly didn't look as good as he hoped he would.

Mustering the courage, he rang the door bell and waited.

Then waited some more. He rang the bell again.

Silence.

She wasn't there.

The feeling of defeat he had felt before was now doubled. Two times. Two times he had been sure he knew where she was. But no.

She was gone.

And Chakotay was done searching.


	14. Chapter 13

Thank you, Singing Violin. You were a ton of help on this one. Well, you're always helpful, but this time especially. =)

* * *

Gretchen returned to the house feeling much better about life. Kathryn was back and she seemed different somehow. Gretchen couldn't quite put her finger on it, but it was there.

After clearing away a significantly large space in the living room, she went to the kitchen and made herself a cup of coffee.

While taking a large swallow, Gretchen noticed a blinking light on the computer console. She walked over and turned it on. Apparently, she had missed a call from a public computer in Rome. Who would be calling her from Rome? The call had come when she had been talking to Kathryn on the porch. Aunt Elizabeth owned a cottage in Rome, but she hardly went there now. And it was nowhere near the location of the public computer.

Gretchen scrunched her face, puzzled about the call, but it was soon forgotten as she heard the hum of the transporter. She returned to the living room and almost dropped her mug.

There was a mountain. A mountain of stuff piled on the floor. Bags, suitcases, shoeboxes, and a chair.

Kathryn had bought a chair. What on earth had possessed her to buy a chair?

Gretchen reached out to open one of the suitcases, but stopped. It was Kathryn's bag and she might not appreciate Gretchen snooping in her stuff. Pushing the thought away, she opened the bag anyway. She gasped when she saw a gorgeous deep purple dress neatly placed in the case. At the bottom of the bag in a carefully sealed container was a pair of black stilettos. In a side pocket was matching jewelry.

Gretchen was speechless. Kathryn had never been a big shopper. In fact, while growing up, Kathryn had hated shopping.

Opening a few more bags, Gretchen discovered that they contained clothes, jewelry, shoes, a few household decorations, and other random items. It looked like Kathryn had tried to make up for seven years without shopping in a matter of days.

The chair in the corner caught Gretchen's attention and she walked over to it. She removed the numerous boxes on the seat and sat down. Relaxing into the chair's pillows, she sipped her coffee.

* * *

The chime of the door startled Tom, causing him to drop a plate. "I'll get it," he called to B'Elanna.

He picked up the fallen dish and placed it in the recycler, then made his way to the front door. Pulling it open, he was stunned.

"C-captain."

"Hello, Tom."

Not knowing what to do, Tom just stood in the doorway.

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Uh, yes." He hastily opened the door wider and motioned for her to enter.

Kathryn smiled and walked past him into the house.

"It's great to see you, Captain-"

"I'm not your captain anymore, Tom. Please, call me Kathryn."

Tom nodded and pulled the door shut behind him. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, you see, my mother told me I could find Chakotay here. And I wanted to see my goddaughter."

Just then, B'Elanna walked into the room holding sleeping Miral in her arms. "Tom," she yawned. "Who's - Captain."

"B'Elanna, as I just said to Tom, I'm not your captain anymore. Please, call me Kathryn."

Tom cleared his throat. "Kathryn is here to see Chakotay."

B'Elanna paled. "He left about thirty minutes ago…to find you in Rome."

Kathryn looked up. "Oh. I see."

Getting over the shock of seeing Kathryn, Tom tried to fill her in. "Harry mentioned that you had wanted to go there and Chakotay left in a hurry. Were you actually in Rome?"

Kathryn nodded. "Yes, I was." She sat down on the couch and put her head in her hands then looked up and smiled. "I also came to see that beautiful daughter of yours. May I hold her?"

B'Elanna handed the small child to Kathryn. "You sure can. If I put her down she'll wake up." She gently handed Kathryn the baby. "Is it all right if I head to bed?"

Kathryn smiled and inclined her head. "It's fine."

Tom watched as B'Elanna left the room, leaving him alone with his former captain.

He sat down next to her on the couch, trying to think of something to say. Kathryn, his captain, the woman who had given him the chance to change, was sitting on the couch next to him and he couldn't figure out what to say to her.

"Chakotay is really worried about you," he finally blurted.

Kathryn turned to face him. "That's what I've heard. I'm afraid I've only been thinking of myself lately." She held Miral close to her body, rocking her slowly.

"I think it's a good change."

She looked down ran her hands across the soft fabric of the baby blanket. "It was."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I promised my mom I would tell her what I've been up to lately, so I guess I'll go home tonight and talk to her."

"That's a good idea."

"Yeah, I think so too…"

"Listen, Kathryn. I want to thank you for everything you've done for B'Elanna and me. We're both better people because of you."

"You both always were a good people. Just a little lost. I didn't change either of you. I just gave you two the opportunity then you both helped each other. But you're welcome, nonetheless."

Tom was quiet for a moment, unsure of what to say next. He watched Kathryn with Miral, the longing in her eyes was evident as she studied the baby.

"Kathryn, the captain I know and love wouldn't let Chakotay get away that easily. Go get him."

* * *

Chakotay sat on the steps of the small cottage with his head in his hands. What was he going to do now? Part of him wanted to give up and the other part wanted to storm into the house and look for any clue or possibility that Kathryn had been there.

Standing, he tentatively turned the handle of the front door. He was surprised when it actually opened. Stepping inside, he examined the house. The interior was pleasant and welcoming, but there was no sign of Kathryn…or anyone else, for that matter.

Not ready to give up, he walked into the living room, where he saw something that made him stop in his tracks. There, on the mantle, was a painting. A painting of the river on New Earth. He walked up to the picture and ran his fingers it, feeling the texture of the paint.

Kathryn had been here.

Maybe she was just out for a walk.

He sat down and leaned back against the back of the couch. He closed his eyes and felt himself dozing off.

* * *

Kathryn quietly entered the house. She shut the door softly behind her and stepped into the foyer. Slipping off her shoes, she checked the clock. It wasn't too late.

"Mom?"

Kathryn made her way to the kitchen, looking for Gretchen. She wasn't there. Kathryn then went upstairs and checked her mother's bedroom. She wasn't there either. Getting a little worried, Kathryn checked the living room.

She chuckled when she spotted her mom, asleep in the chair with an empty mug in her lap.

Gently tapping Gretchen's shoulder, Kathryn reached for the empty mug and set it on one of the end tables.

"Oh, you're back." Kathryn turned to see Gretchen stretching and rubbing her eyes.

"Sure am."

"Where's Chakotay?"

Kathryn shifted her feet uncomfortably. "He…he went to Rome to find me."

"Ah. The cottage. That's where you were."

Kathryn nodded.

"It seems so obvious to me now. I wonder why I forgot about it."

"I'm glad you did. As unintelligent as leaving was, I'm really glad I had the time to myself."

"I was worried that…you know."

"That I was depressed?"

Gretchen nodded and studied the fabric on the chair. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine, Mom. We've both know it's happened before."

Gretchen stood and walked to the kitchen. "How about I make us some coffee and you can tell me that story you promised me earlier?"

Kathryn laughed. "I would like that. I would like that a lot."

Ten minutes later, mother and daughter sat on the couch cradling mugs in their hands and inhaling the scent of coffee.

"So?" Gretchen prodded.

Taking a deep breath, Kathryn began her story.

"For seven years, I had to be Captain Janeway twenty-four seven. At the beginning it wasn't too hard. I was able to be the captain on the bridge and myself off-duty. But as we were out there longer, I found that the captain was slowly strangling Kathryn. Each day it was harder to wake up and remember who I was before the Delta Quadrant.

"When we got home, I realized I needed to find Kathryn again. That was my intent when I left. I was going to find myself. And I did. I've begun to remember who I was and now I can become who I need to be. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, dear."

"I had put others first for so long I had to do something for myself. It was my turn."

"What did you do while you were gone?"

"I went to Rome, to the cottage. While I was there I read a few books, went swimming, relaxed, did some thinking, and went shopping."

"My heavens girl, yes you did." Gretchen pointed to the mass of bags on the floor. "That is a _lot _of shopping."

Kathryn ducked her head. "Sorry about that. It was a lot of fun…"

"It's all right, dear. I was just surprised. Anyway, please continue."

"I talked to Aunt Elizabeth a little, sat in the garden, and I got a letter…from Chakotay."

Gretchen leaned forward, cocking an eyebrow. "Mm, that sounds promising. What did it say?"

"He told me he loved me. That he met me in a another timeline and it reminded him how much he loved me. Then he left it up to me. But I never got the letter. Well, I got it, but I didn't ever read it."

"Kates!"

"I was busy. It was hidden in the back of a book that I never got around to reading."

"That's no excuse."

"I know. So I came back early. And now he's gone. He left to look for me when I left to look for him." She laughed humorlessly. "It's ironic isn't it? We're finally in a position where we can be together and it isn't working out."

"Oh, Kathryn." Gretchen scooted closer and wrapped her arms around Kathryn. "I'm sorry he left. I'm sorry…for everything"

Kathryn relaxed into her mother's embrace, welcoming the feeling of being held. "I am too. What should I do now?"

"Why don't you just stay here until he comes back?"

"What if he doesn't?"

"I'm sure he will, dear. He was staying here before you got back."

Kathryn sat up. "He was what?"

"I let him stay here while we looked for you. He'll be back. "

* * *

After Kathryn went to bed, Gretchen stayed up and made herself yet another cup of coffee. There were so many more questions she had wanted to ask Kathryn, but she felt that it wasn't the time. Sitting at the kitchen table, she thought of the predicament Kathryn had gotten herself into. Only she would be able to spend seven years with a man she was attracted to and not do anything about it. If it had been Phoebe, she would have had her way with him in a matter of weeks.

Gretchen smiled and thought of how different her two daughters were. Kathryn was reserved and determined and very cautious about her personal life. Phoebe had always been flamboyant and loud. At least until she got married. Her husband, Mike, had tempered her.

Blowing on the hot drink in her hands, Gretchen thought about Kathryn and Chakotay. They were meant for each other, but every step they took in the right direction seemed to lead them three steps in the opposite direction as well.

It was time she took matters into her own hands.

Gretchen smiled as she thought of Abby's party in two days. It was the perfect opportunity. Kathryn had already promised she would be there, and Gretchen could invite Chakotay.

It was the perfect plan.

Swallowing the last of her coffee, Gretchen stood and went to the kitchen. She tapped on the computer console and quickly recorded a message for her Aunt Elizabeth.


	15. Chapter 14

Not used to getting a full eights hours of sleep, Kathryn woke up early the next morning. Pulling back the covers, she got out of bed and slipped on her robe. Tiptoeing down the stairs, she expertly jumped over the creaky step and continued downstairs.

In the kitchen, she quickly replicated herself a cup of coffee and went to sit on the porch swing. Her father built it when she was a child and Gretchen always worked hard to keep it in good working order. Kathryn smiled fondly, remembering when she used to sit on her father's lap and swing with him while he told her of his adventures in space.

Holding her mug firmly in her hands, she took a sip and began to rock back and forth. Swaying slowing, she watched the sun rise. The starry sky gradually became purple and pink as the sun poked out from behind the horizon. The clouds were tinted orange, casting a glow on the scene before her.

She continued swinging for quite a while. The sun's warm rays beat down on her cheeks and she closed her eyes while basking in the light of the new day.

* * *

Gretchen finished making her bed and went to check on Kathryn. Entering the hallway, she noticed that Kathryn's door was already open. Confused, she stepped inside. It was déjà vu. Kathryn wasn't in her bed. Gretchen felt herself beginning to panic. No, she couldn't have disappeared again. She just got back. Besides, Abby's birthday party was tomorrow.

The party where Kathryn and Chakotay were finally going to talk about their feelings for each other.

Gretchen rushed down the stairs and then caught a whiff of coffee. She instantly felt better. Coffee meant Kathryn was near. Noticing the creaking sound of the porch swing, Gretchen walked outside.

Kathryn was asleep on the swing. Her head had fallen down at a weird angle and her coffee had spilled, soiling her pale pink robe.

Gretchen chuckled and sat down next to her daughter. The sudden stillness of the swing must have woken Kathryn up. She lifted her head and looked at Gretchen sleepily.

"Good morning, Mom."

"Good morning, Kates. Here, let me take that cup from you before you spill even more coffee on yourself." Gretchen took the cup and set it on the ground, a safe distance from the swing, then sat back down.

"Mom, I've missed you."

Gretchen suddenly felt tears in her eyes. "I've missed you too. Will you try to never disappear on me again?"

Kathryn smiled. "I'll try."

"Good." Gretchen scooted close to Kathryn and wrapped her arms around her. She felt Kathryn relax and lean on her shoulder. Gretchen's heart suddenly seemed lighter.

Kathryn was back, really back. Everything would be okay.

* * *

Chakotay felt a tap on his shoulder, but he swatted it away. Being very comfortable, he didn't want to wake up. The couch smelled like Kathryn. He felt the tap again, this time not as gently. He forced himself to open his eyes and saw an older woman standing over him. He sat up, remembering where he was.

"You're a deep sleeper, young man. Now, would you please tell me what you're doing in my house?"

"I was looking for Kathryn."

"What business do you have with her?"

"I'm her former first officer."

"Hmm. So you're Chakotay. Phoebe was right. You are some serious eye candy. I'm Elizabeth Janeway. Owner of this lovely little cottage."

"Nice to meet you." He rubbed his eyes and stood to stretch his legs.

"So you're here for Kathryn. Well, she's not here."

"But the painting." He pointed to the picture above the mantle. "That proves she was here."

"I'm sorry, but she's not here. And if she were here, she would have asked me to not give away her hiding place." Elizabeth winked. "That painting there was the price a certain person paid for my silence."

Chaktay nodded, catching on to what the woman was saying.

"I came here because I got a call from the sibling of this certain someone, telling me you would be here, killing my customer's much sought-after solitude. I figured we couldn't have that so I came down. But it looks like the lonely woman has left her haven."

"So she's not here?"

"Who's not here hon?" Elizabeth winked again. "Since the house is empty you're welcome to stay. I'll be returning to Minnesota now. Oh, by the way, Gretchen left me a message last night. She'd like you to give her a call when you get to it. Bye now. " Elizabeth disappeared out the front door.

* * *

"Ahem. Excuse me, Ma'am."

Kathryn bolted up off the swing, suddenly at red alert. Gretchen also awoke at the sudden noise.

There was a young cadet standing on the porch.

Kathryn pulled her robe tight around her body and made sure the ties were securely in place. "What do you need?"

"Admiral Nechayev has been trying to get a hold of you all morning. You are required to attend a personal evaluation tomorrow starting at 1400 hours. It will go at least until 1900 hours. That is all." The cadet turned and left quickly.

Kathryn stood, stunned by the cadet's abrupt message and departure. Why hadn't Nechayev tried to get a hold of her through the computer? Kathryn picked up her mug and walked to the kitchen. Gretchen followed close behind.

The computer console message light was blinking rapidly. Turning it on, Kathryn realized there were four messages. Three from Nechayev's aide and one for Gretchen. Kathryn glanced at the chronometer and realized that they had been asleep on the porch swing for hours.

She turned to faced Gretchen, noticing the stricken look in her face.

"Mom, what's wrong?

"Tomorrow is Abby's birthday party."

"Oh yeah. She's turning four."

"Yes, she is. And you said you would go."

"Well, obviously I can't anymore."

"Apparently."

"Look, Mom. I'm sorry, but I have to go to this personal evaluation."

"Do you?

Kathryn threw her hands up. "Yes, I do." She turned and marched up stairs to take a shower.

* * *

Gretchen dropped into a kitchen chair. Her perfect plan was turning out to be not so perfect.

"Computer show message for Gretchen Janeway."

Chakotay's face filled the screen. "Hi, Gretchen. I'm not sure how you found out, but I'm guessing Phoebe had something to do with it. I'm at Elizabeth's cottage. Turns out that Kathryn was here until sometime yesterday. Elizabeth herself stopped by today and said you wanted to speak with me. I'm just going to stay here until debriefings start so contact me when you get the chance."

Gretchen watched as Chakotay's face froze when the playback ended. She quickly had the computer call him back. "Hi, Chakotay."

"Hey, Gretchen. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing." She brushed him off. "It's my niece's birthday party tomorrow and I was wondering if you'd like to come."

"I'd love to. Do you know if Kathryn will be there?"

"I doubt it. Family's not a big priority in her life at the moment."

Chakotay seemed puzzled by her remark, but didn't say anything.

"It's at Phoebe's house at 1500. Will you come?

"Of course."

Gretchen smiled, feeling a little better. "Good. I'll send you the address so you can transport there tomorrow. Enjoy your time at the cottage."

She ended the call and began making French toast for an early brunch.

* * *

Kathryn returned to the kitchen a while later, showered and dressed. She sat down next to Gretchen and served herself a plate of French toast.

Gretchen pushed her last bite around with her fork. "Kathryn, you promised."

"Mom." Kathryn set her cup down. "I know, but that was before Starfleet asked me to come in for debriefings a day earlier than everyone else. Besides, you never told me exactly when the party was until this morning."

Gretchen lifted her head and looked Kathryn directly in the eyes. "Fine. I see how it is. Starfleet comes first. It always comes first, even after they kick you out. Well, let me tell you something. Your family will _always _be here for you. _I _will always be here for you."

She set her fork down. "You claim you've started over, that you've learned to put yourself first. But you're wrong. You haven't changed...your job is the only thing that means anything to you. What about your family, Kathryn? Don't we deserve some attention as well?"

Gretchen felt her pulse pounding wildly. The outburst was unlike her, but at this point she didn't care. She was so sick of Kathryn not caring about how her actions affected her family.

"Mom-"

"Don't Mom me. You promised and now you're going back on your word."

"I'm sorry."

"No. You're not sorry. If you were, you'd go to Abby's birthday party. You promised me and you promised her. You told her you wouldn't miss it for the world, remember?

"She hardly knows you. Do you want it to stay that way? All she knows is the stories she's heard about her Auntie Kathryn. You're all she talks about these days and she's so excited you're coming to her party. Now you want me to go tell her you're not going to be able to make it. Well, I won't. If you're not going to go _you _can tell her."

Gretchen stood and walked into the hallway. She stopped at the bottom of the stairs and leaned against the wall. Not only was she upset that Kathryn was going to miss the party, but once again Kathryn was letting Starfleet ruin her chances at a relationship with Chakotay.

A few minutes later Gretchen heard Kathryn leave the house.

_Good,_ she thought. _I hope I gave that stubborn girl something to think about. _

* * *

Kathryn stepped off the porch feeling awful. Her mother's words echoed around in her head. The truth in them rang like a bell and pierced her conscience. She had been horrible to her family since she joined Starfleet.

She groaned. Starfleet.

They had demanded so much from her throughout the years. They'd taken her personal life and they had taken her job from her as well. Now they wanted her to go in for debriefings a day earlier than everyone else for a "personal evaluation."

And she, like a good little officer, simply heeded their call without complaint.

She walked to the nearest computer console. "Computer, contact Phoebe…actually call Admiral Nechayev."

A few seconds later a young ensign's face filled the screen. "I'm sorry, Admiral Nechayev is not available at this time. You will have to call back later," he said.

"Do you know when she'll be available?"

"I do not, ma'am. Have a good day."

And the screen went black.

Letting out an exasperated sigh, Kathryn made her way back to the house. She hoped with all her heart Nechayev would let her postpone the personal evaluation for a few days. That way she could fulfill her duties to Starfleet and to her family.

Arriving at her mother's house once again, she went to the living room and began taking all of her bags up to her room. Kathryn painstakingly hauled everything but the chair up to her room. And not once did she see or hear Gretchen.

When she was done she decided to give Nechayev another try. She tapped the console and had the computer make the call. The same ensign answered. "The admiral is still not available. I suggest you call back tomorrow."

"Tomorrow will be too late. I need to talk to her today."

"I'm sorry, but she's not available and won't be until tomorrow. Good day."

Frustrated, Kathryn walked to the living room and sat in her chair. She pulled out the book Chakotay had given her and started reading it again.

A few hours later she tried to call the admiral again. This time she was answered by the Starfleet insignia.

Angry about the whole situation, she threw the book across the room then scrambled out of the chair to retrieve it. Picking it up, she hugged it close to her chest, checking for any rips or folds in the pages. Satisfied that the book was intact, she placed it on the end table and decided to give Owen Paris a call.

"Hello, Kathryn. What can I do for you?" He looked much too cheerful.

"I need a favor."

"Anything."

"I need to get my personal evaluation postponed, but Nechayev won't take my calls. Can you see if you can get a hold of her?"

He scratched his chin. "I can try, but no promises. She's a very busy woman."

Kathryn huffed. "Oh, I know."

"I'll get back to you soon."

Ten minutes later, Kathryn answered his call.

"I'm really sorry, but she has denied any changing of the _Voyager _debriefing schedule. There's nothing I can do."

"It's fine. Thanks for your help, Owen." She turned the screen off and slumped into her chair. She had no choice but to go to the evaluation.

Or did she?

Standing quickly, she left the house for the second time that day.

* * *

Kathryn walked briskly into Starfleet Headquarters. Her feet flew across the floor. Her face set in defiance. She quickly reached her destination. Without knocking, she entered.

A startled ensign stood in her path. "I-I'm sorry, Ma'am, but the admiral is busy at the moment. You can't see her."

Kathryn continued as though she hadn't heard him. The doors into the office swooshed open and she stepped through with confidence.

Sitting at a large mahogany desk was the detested admiral, surrounded by people of high importance.

Nechayev stood. "What is the meaning of this, Janeway? If you couldn't tell, I'm conducting a meeting."

"I know. And frankly I don't care."

The officials in the room began to shuffle their feet awkwardly and glance at the two women.

"I see." Nechayev tapped her comm badge. "Security to my office, please."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, furious. This puny woman was telling her what to do. Ordering her around like she was a child that needed constant instruction and calling security to take her away.

"I've tried to call you, Nechayev."

"So I've been informed. Now please leave the room. Security will be here shortly and everything will go so much better for you if you go quietly."

Kathryn ignored her. "Why didn't you answer my calls? Why won't you let me postpone the evaluation?"

"Your request has been denied."

"Denied? You would deny me the first request I make in seven years?"

"It is of the utmost importance that you attend debriefings. We must find out all that you know."

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I will not be attending the evaluation. I have a family commitment."

"You can't do that. You're a Starfleet officer. You have to attend."

"You seem to have forgotten that I was forced to resign. And I have you to thank for that."

Kathryn heard a few gasps around the room. Apparently, that was not a known fact around the admiralty. "You can't order me around, _Admiral_." With that, Kathryn turned on her heel and left the room.

Out on the grounds, Kathryn let out the breath she had been holding. She stood up to Starfleet, to Nechayev, and nothing horrible had happened. Lighting bolts hadn't come from the sky to strike her down. No security personnel were coming to arrest her.

She had done it.

For the first time in a long time, she had stood up to Starfleet.

Smiling to herself, Kathryn set off for her mother's house. Gretchen would be so pleased when she found out that Kathryn was going to be able to make it to Abby's birthday party.

* * *

Gretchen heard the front door open and close.

"Mom." She heard Kathryn call from the foyer.

Taking deep breaths to calm herself, she prepared to listen to Kathryn's excuses. "I'm in the living room."

Gretchen remained seated with her knitting needles in her lap. She was making a blanket to give Abby for her birthday.

She heard Kathryn enter and looked up as she sat down on the couch across from her.

"Mom, I have something to tell you."

"You're not going to the party. You called Phoebe and had her break her daughters heart instead of getting up the guts to do it yourself." As she said the words she cringed inwardly. She hadn't meant to sound so cruel.

Kathryn studied her hands. "I'm sorry you think I'm capable of that."

Gretchen said nothing.

"But no, that's not what I was going to tell you. I just went to Admiral Nechayev's office and informed her I would not be attending my personal evaluation tomorrow.

Gretchen felt her mouth drop open. "You did what?"

"I will be going to Abby's birthday party and I put Nechayev in her place in a room full of high ranking officers."

"Oh, Kathryn!" Gretchen jumped off the couch, her knitting falling to the floor. She rushed to Kathryn and gave her a huge hug. "I knew you'd do the right thing. You're not going to regret this." Gretchen pulled back and looked at Kathryn. "Why don't you look happy?"

"I am. It felt good to finally yell at Nechayev, but I…I accidentally let it slip that Nechayev blackmailed me into resigning."

"Well, good. Now people will know the truth of what happened."

"No, it's not good. The deal was I resign and the Maquis don't get arrested for their crimes."

"Did they ever specifically tell you to never mention that you were forced to resign?"

Kathryn paused for a moment then shook her head.

"See. Don't fret about it too much."

"I'm worried about the Maquis, especially Chakotay. I haven't seen him since the ball."

"You'll see him soon enough, Kates. You'll see him soon enough."


	16. Chapter 15

All right, I lied. This isn't the end. I thought it would be, but it's not. XD

Thanks to Singing Violin, as usual, and thanks to chuckchuckcuck. Without him this chapter would still be sitting on my computer with me too worried to actually post it.

* * *

"Kathryn, it's time to go!"

"I'm coming." Kathryn rushed down the stairs, then turned around and ran back up to quickly grab a light jacket from her room, remembering it was a little chilly outside.

Gretchen stood by the door, tapping her foot. "Finally. We're going to be late. What were you doing anyway?"

Kathryn smiled sheepishly. "I couldn't decide what to wear."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope." She smiled crookedly. "I have so many new outfits, I didn't know which one to choose."

Gretchen snorted. "Well, I'll be! You've turned into Phoebe."

Watching Kathryn shut the door and step off the porch, Gretchen studied the outfit that had taken Kathryn so long to pick out. She looked good in her straight-legged jeans and light blue button-down shirt.

Gretchen chuckled. It was going to be an interesting party.

Kathryn must have seen her face. "What are you laughing about?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just glad you're coming, that's all. It's been a while since you've been to a family party."

"Hmm, about seven years?"

"Something like that."

* * *

As soon as Kathryn's fingers pressed the doorbell, a pink blur with red hair catapulted into her.

"Auntie Kathryn! You came!" Abby jumped up and down.

Bending down, Kathryn hugged the little girl and kissed her nose. "Happy birthday."

She giggled. "What did you get me?"

Phoebe walked out onto the porch. "Abby! It's not polite to ask that. Your aunt wished you a happy birthday. What should you say to her?"

Abby put her hands behind her back and swayed back and forth. "Thank you, Auntie Kathryn."

"Good job, Sweetie. Now go say hi to your grandma." Phoebe shooed Abby away and looked Kathryn up and down. "Damn, Sis, you look good."

Kathryn felt herself blush. "Thanks."

"I mean it, you do." She grabbed Kathryn's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Thank you for coming. She's been looking forward to this since you got home."

Kathryn nodded, feeling tears form in her eyes. She had been so close to not coming…

"I'm glad I was able to make it."

Abby bounced over with Gretchen close behind. "I want to eat cake. Now."

"We can't yet. It's still in the oven."

"But Mommy," she whined. "Why don't you just rep-replitwate one?"

"You want me to replicate you a cake on your birthday?"

Abby nodded.

"I can't." Phoebe looked at Gretchen. "Grandma would have my head if I tried to feed you replicated food on such a special day. Now why don't you run inside?"

Abby folded her arms and shook her head. "Don't want to."

Kathryn laughed, remembering a time when Phoebe was just as stubborn. "How about I read you a book while we wait for the cake to finish cooking?"

"Okay!"

"Kates, you don't have to." Phoebe glanced at Gretchen, a worried look on her face.

Kathryn didn't think much of it and took Abby's hand. "It's no trouble at all, really."

Abby led Kathryn to the living room, leaving Gretchen and Phoebe on the porch.

"Read this one." Abby handed her an old-fashioned book and tugged on her leg, pulling her toward the couch.

Kathryn sat down and Abby clambered over, settling herself into Kathryn's lap. Opening the book, Kathryn began to read.

"Stop," Abby commanded. "Act it out, with the voices. Like Mommy does."

Sighing, Kathryn began again. This time she added a different inflection for each character, imitating the way Neelix used to read to Naomi.

When the story ended, Kathryn set the book down and gave the small child a hug. "Should we go see if that cake is ready? And then you can open presents."

Abby shook her head. "Mommy says I can't until you get yours."

"Mine?"

Abby clapped her hands over her mouth. "Uh-oh. Don't tell Mommy I said it."

Kathryn was puzzled, but she brushed it off. Smiling, she patted Abby's hand. "I won't. Your secret is safe with me. Should we go to the kitchen now?"

"Wait!" Abby ran from the room, yelling as she left. "I want to show you my new dolly."

Kathryn laughed and leaned back into the couch. Abby was quite a cutie, and so much like Phoebe. Tears formed in Kathryn's eyes once again as she thought of how close she had been to not coming.

"Hey, you. The cake is ready."

She turned, hastily wiping her eyes.

"Chakotay?"

Abby rushed back into the room with small doll in her arms. She giggled and pointed at Chakotay. "That's your present! Now I can open mine." She dropped the doll and ran to the kitchen.

Kathryn was stunned. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"Your mom invited me." He walked to the couch and sat down next to her. "I thought you weren't going to be here."

"Well, you thought wrong." She smiled, hoping he hadn't seen her distress.

Abby dashed back into the room and put her hands on her hips. "Auntie Kathryn. Chotay. It's time for cake and presents. Come on!" She grabbed both their hands, trying to pull them up off the couch.

Reluctantly, the pair stood and followed the exuberant child into the kitchen.

* * *

The plates and wrapping paper were all cleaned up. Abby had left with her father to put together her new bike. Phoebe and Gretchen had gone to look at Phoebe's new office, leaving Kathryn and Chakotay together in the kitchen.

Kathryn shook her head and laughed. She had been set up from the beginning. Her family had conspired to get her alone with Chakotay. Now they were hidden nearby, no doubt listening intently, hoping to hear the impending conversation.

"Kathryn-"

"Shh."

"What?"

She scooted closer to him on the couch and whispered into his ear. "They're listening."

Taking his hand, she led him out the back door.

"Kathryn-"

"Not yet. They'll hear us."

"May I ask where we're going?"

"Not now."

After a few minutes of walking in silence, Kathryn noticed they were still holding hands. She squeezed his fingers and smiled at him. "We're going to that park." She pointed to a small park across the street. She picked up her pace and quickly found a secluded bench. They sat down, thighs touching.

Suddenly feeling shy, she released Chakotay's hand and pulled her jacket tighter around her. It had gotten cold quickly and the light fabric wasn't helping.

"Kathryn, why did you leave?"

Here it was. The moment she had been anticipating since she read his letter. But she still didn't know what to say. Finally, she managed to form the words. "I needed some time. Some time to realize how much I love you."

He nodded and leaned back against the bench, putting his hands behind his head. "And that night in your ready room? What was that about?"

She looked down and studied her fingers. "I knew then, but…I wasn't ready."

"And you are now?"

She was quiet for a moment, unsure what to say. "I found your letter."

He gasped and stood up.

"I didn't read that book while we were on _Voyager_, but now I have..."

"You never looked at it?"

She shook her head. "I never had the time."

"No, Kathryn. You never _made _the time."

Kathryn felt herself sink lower into her seat. It was true. She could have - should have - made the time to read a book her best friend had given her, but she hadn't.

"Quite frankly, Kathryn, I'm surprised you're even here tonight. Gretchen didn't think you were going to make it and neither did I."

"I see." She stood up, needing to separate herself from the situation. Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm down. "I - I almost didn't come. But I did, Chakotay. I _made_ it a priority to be here. I'm working on changing. And I...I love you Chakotay. I really do. I want this - us - to work." She took a few steps toward him, wanting see his expression, but his back was to her. "Chakotay?"

When he didn't answer, her heart sank. "Well, I guess I'll be going now." Glancing at him one last time, she walked away.

The ground felt hard under her feet. The chill in the air bit at her cheeks. She pulled her light jacket tighter around her body and began the long, lonely trek back to Phoebe's house. The cold seemed ten times worse without Chakotay next to her. Soon her teeth began to chatter loudly. Loudly enough that she didn't hear him approach.

"You know, you should try to be more prepared for the weather here. It's quite unpredictable."

Kathryn stopped and turned to face him. "I'll keep that in mind."

He smiled, dimples flashing. "Here, take my jacket." He took it off and held it out to her.

She smiled back, but then faltered. "You don't have to take care of me anymore." She left the jacket hanging between them, unwilling to take it. "You were relieved of that duty the moment we reached Earth."

"I was?"

She nodded.

"Too bad. I think I want keep that job a little longer." He tugged his ear and stepped closer to her, draping the jacket across her shoulders.

"Oh, really?"

"Yep."

"How much longer?"

He leaned in, close enough that she could feel his warm breath on her lips. "Every day for the rest of my life."

He took a step back and helped her slip her arms into the jacket sleeves.

Zipping up the jacket, she closed the space between them.

He reached up and brushed away the tendrils of hair that had blown into her face, his hand lingering on her cheek longer than necessary.

She gazed into his deep brown eyes and her lips found his. There were no more parameters, no more barriers. She was just Kathryn and he was just Chakotay. The cold breeze, the sound of the rustling leaves, and the uncertainty surrounding them faded away.

* * *

Gretchen was disappointed but not surprised when Kathryn snuck out the back door with Chakotay. There was no way she would let her prying sister be privy to the intimate details of her relationship with Chakotay.

"Oh, what I would give to see that first kiss. Seven years, Mom! Seven years without even a kiss. Damn, all that build up…"

"Actually, Phoebe, they've kissed before."

"What? They have? Spill."

Gretchen chuckled and looked out the window. "I've already said too much. You know how Kathryn is about her personal life. You'll get the details only when she's ready to share them."

Phoebe shook her head. "Fine. She always was your favorite."

Laughing, Gretchen stood. "You know that's not true. By the way, you really should've come up with something better than showing me the "new" office. You remodeled it two years ago."

"Kathryn doesn't know that. And besides, it shares a wall with the kitchen. If they'd stayed, we would've heard every word."

"Sometimes I worry about you."

Phoebe smiled happily. "I know." She sipped her mug of coffee. "Do you think they'll actually do it?"

Gretchen cocked an eyebrow. "Do what?"

"Oh, you know. Finally tell each other that they've been in love for the last seven years."

"I'm sure something to that effect will come across."

"Come on, Mom. You can't say you're not at least a little bit curious."

"I am, but I'm going to respect their privacy."

"That's no fun. I'd much rather speculate about what they're doing and where they're doing it."

"Phoebe, you're hopeless." Gretchen looked at Phoebe mischievously. "But she does live with me, and Chakotay was staying in the guest room for a couple of days. I'll know how they feel about each other soon enough."

"Mom! And you say I'm hopeless."

Gretchen shrugged. "Who do you think you got it from?"

"Would you look at that?"

Gretchen looked up. "What?"

"Out the window."

There they were: Kathryn and Chakotay, holding hands, walking down the sidewalk together.

"I expected them to stay out tonight, catching up on some…erm…time together."

"Phoebe."

"I know. Give them their privacy. I guess I should go check on my daughter." Phoebe stood and walked out of the room.

Gretchen swallowed the last of her coffee and rose to follow Phoebe. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the couple share a kiss under the tree in the front yard.

Her plan had worked.


	17. Chapter 16

Thanks to Singing Violin for the usual. =)

* * *

Chakotay opened his eyes and glanced at the chronometer. It was 0600. He looked up to see the woman who had fallen asleep in his arms only a few hours before lost in thought, sitting across the room. Her brow was furrowed and worry shone in her eyes. He propped himself up on his elbows. "Kathryn, what's wrong?"

She shook her head and walked to the bed. "It's nothing. I'm just glad we've finally gotten to this point. I never want this to end." She sat down and ran her fingers across his tattoo. "Lying here with you, in your arms. It's something I've always dreamed of…"

He reached up and took her hand. "Kathryn. Tell me what it is."

"I…"

He looked at her face, the soft lines that formed her chin and cheek bones. Her deep blue eyes. She was beautiful and she was his.

For the most part.

She still wouldn't open up to him completely. Something had been bothering her all night and she wouldn't admit it.

"Kathryn, please."

She sighed and stood up. Walking across the bedroom, she grabbed her robe and pulled it over shoulders. She sat back on the bed and reached for Chakotay's hands. "Do you remember the night of that awful ball?"

He nodded. "How could I forget?"

"I resigned that night."

"No, you were forced to resign that night in order to keep the Maquis free."

She gasped. "You know?"

"You told me."

"I did?"

He laughed and ran his hand through his hair. "You let it slip while you were yelling at me."

Kathryn smiled. "Me? Yell at you?"

"Okay, you weren't yelling…you were talking passionately."

Laughing, she leaned against his chest and took a deep breath. "I was supposed to have a personal evaluation with Starfleet yesterday - during the party. Mom was furious. She yelled. We had a fight. I felt so guilty. Finally, I made up my mind and marched into Nechayev 's office to tell her I wouldn't be attending my evaluation that day. When she protested, I reminded her that I was no longer a member of Starfleet - thanks to her - and she couldn't order me around."

Chakotay squeezed her arm. "That's good isn't it?"

"No, it's not. I yelled at her in a room full of admirals. Chakotay, do you understand what that means?"

"You're afraid that they're going to go back on their word and imprison the Maquis because of your outburst."

"Yes."

Chakotay put his hands on her shoulders and turned her so she was facing him. "Kathryn, you're no longer in Starfleet. You did resign. It's not like you're asking for your job back. It'll be okay."

"But what if it's not?" She turned away from him and pulled her knees to her chest.

"It will be. I just know it." Reaching out, he stoked her cheek and kissed her. "Did I mention that I love you?"

She pulled back, smiling. "Yes, you did. Quite a few times in fact, but it's how you show it that I like the best."

* * *

Kathryn woke up a few hours later to a knock on the bedroom door.

"Kathryn, dear. Someone from Starfleet is on the computer for you."

"Okay, Mom. Can you tell them I'll call them back in ten minutes?"

"Sure can."

Kathryn got out of bed and looked at the sleeping form of her former first officer. He looked so peaceful. She hoped everything worked out like he claimed. Bending down, she planted a soft kiss on his cheek. She left the room and quickly took a sonic shower. As she did her make-up and fought with her hair, the dread she had been feeling returned.

* * *

Gretchen chuckled to herself as she listened to Kathryn getting ready upstairs. She and Chakotay had left the party early the day before and had come home sometime in the middle of the night.

She laughed smugly. Her plan had worked: the two friends were now lovers. And it was all thanks to her. Sighing, she sipped her coffee. Okay, it wasn't _all _thanks to her. The two would have finally seen the light eventually. She just helped it happen - sooner rather than later.

A few minutes later, Kathryn entered the kitchen and made herself a cup of coffee. "Good morning, Mom."

"I'm sure it is a good morning, Kates." Gretchen grinned and winked.

"Mom."

"What? I didn't say anything."

"But you where thinking it."

Gretchen smiled and shrugged. "Where's Chakotay?"

"He's still asleep."

She eyed Kathryn over the rim of her mug. "Long night?"

Kathryn set her mug down. "That's none of your business."

"Yes, it is. I'm your mother."

"Mom, you realize you're as bad as Phoebe, don't you?"

"Now that's not very nice. I'm not _that _bad."

Kathryn chuckled and sipped her coffee. "I'll tell you one thing." She leaned in. "He's good." She then stood up and put her mug in the recycler. "I have a call to make. So if you'll excuse me."

Laughing, Gretchen rose and left the kitchen.

* * *

Kathryn shook her head and walked to the computer console, her nervousness reasserting itself. "Computer, call Starfleet Headquarters."

A young ensign answered. "What can I do for you, Ma'am?"

"I received a call about ten minutes ago. I'm calling back."

Suddenly, the ensign's eyes grew wide. "You're Kathryn Janeway."

Kathryn wanted to shake him. "Yes, I am."

Nodding, the ensign looked at a PADD. "You have a meeting with a committee of admirals today at 1300 hours. The rest of the _Voyager _debriefings have been postponed for another day. I have been instructed to tell you that you are required to attend this meeting. No exceptions."

Kathryn nodded. "Thank you."

"Good day."

Turning off the computer, she got another mug of coffee and sat at the kitchen table, completely lost in her own thoughts.

She jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned, realizing it was Chakotay.

"Who was that?" he asked.

"Starfleet."

"What did they say?"

"Debriefings have been postponed another day, but I have a meeting at 1300 that I have to go to." She drank some more coffee then set it down on the table. It didn't taste as good as usual.

"It will be fine."

"How can you be so sure? You don't know that it's going to work out. You aren't positive. For all we know, both of us could be on our way to prison tomorrow."

"Kathryn, I don't know for sure. I don't know how this meeting is going to end. I don't know how Starfleet is going to react to the situation. But I do know that whatever happens, we've got each other. We've got the crew. We'll get through this together."

She placed her hand on his chest and looked into his eyes. "I hope so."

* * *

"Hiya, folks! I'm Marianne Mayberry from the _Federation Chronicles_ and today, as promised, the truth behind the Starfleet Scandal will be revealed." She paused dramatically and leaned forward.

"Turns out, Janeway didn't really want to resign. Back when _Voyager _first got home, that nasty Admiral Nechayev threatened the Maquis crew with imprisonment if Janeway didn't agree to leave Starfleet. And the Federation's little golden girl, still intent on seeing her crew safely home, agreed to the outrageous demand. Can you believe it? I would have put that big shot admiral in her place right then and there. But our sweet little Kathryn Janeway let Nechayev push her around.

"Captain Kathryn Janeway revealed the truth of what happened in a room full of admirals just last week. She stormed in to the Nechayev's office, demanding her personal evaluation be postponed. She claimed she had a 'family commitment.' Ha. I would be surprised if that's what it actually was. When Janeway's request was denied…well, let's just say she lost it. She yelled at Nechayev in the middle of a formal meeting consisting of other admirals and people of high importance who were ignorant of Nechayev's blackmail. I guess those seven years in the Delta Quadrant actually did get to her.

"Nechayev and the other admirals involved have been asked to step down, and at the request of Janeway, if they do so quietly no charges will be made."

Mayberry paused again then smiled wickedly. "Yesterday, Admiral Paris publicly reinstated Janeway to Starfleet and offered her a promotion. She is expected to give her formal response in the next couple of days. But I get the feeling she's going to turn it down." The mischievous gleam was back in Mayberry's eye. Grinning, she continued. "Janeway and Chakotay were seen in a very high-class jewelry store, picking out a very large gaudy ring just the other day. So when Janeway turns down the promotion, we'll all know why."

"Computer, end display."

"Well, so much for her sticking to the facts like we asked." Chakotay glanced at Kathryn and noticed that she was fiddling with the ring on her finger. She looked up worry clearly written on her face.

"You don't think it's gaudy do you, Chakotay?"

He took her slender hand in his own, studying the delicate white gold band. "No not at all." Kissing her fingers, he looked into her eyes. "I think it's perfect."

* * *

Thank you so much for sticking with me all the way to the end as I blunder through my first attempt at fanfiction. I hope you liked it. =) And thanks to everyone who has taken the time to review as well.


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